Friday, December 29, 2017
30+10
It’s still hard for me to embrace getting older. But it’s futile and insane for me to be sad, bitter, wistful for times gone by and to resist the inevitable. 30+10 if something that brian came up with. He and the boys bought be a David Yurman necklace and took e to Fleming’s for dinner. I am well loved by my boys. So why am I so solemn and melancholy sometimes? I really want the next decades to be filled with happiness, love, and laugheter. The boys are growing up so fast, which means I am getting older at the same rate. *sigh. Nothing I can do about it but focus on the positive and the present...not on this postpartum pooch that I can’t see to get rid of.
Bravo barcelona
Bravo barcelona
Well we almost didn’t make the flight. The day was long as it started out with a 7am call in for the Sheila marketing meeting and me trekking to Fremont to get my hair done and then calling into product review, reviewing tv scripts and email. I didn’t anticipate that it would take 5 hours for the process to be done. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. Sadly the damaged aspects of my hair makes myself hair thicker for whatever few strands I have left. I am trying to focus on the positive. we had to leave at 4 pm, but it took an extra 15 min for me to pack. Traffics on 92 and getting off on Hillsdale was like a parking lot. B was so mad. He kept on saying that we were going to miss the flight and that if we missed it that he wasn’t going. So mad, and so negative - it was all quite upsetting. The boys were all ready to go at foster city and we made good time to the airport. Strangely enough the computers were down so no one could get their boarding pass or even board on the plane for over an hour. We pretty much just sat by the ticketing booth waiting for the computers to be fixed. The boys were very well behaved at the airport and on the flight. They gorged on tv/movies and slept. The movie selection wasn’t great considering the fact that I usually use these long flights to catch up on over a years worth of movies...but there was nothing great.
We arrived to the airbnb and the apartment suited us well - it was exactly as it was listed. Clean, newish, spacious for our family. We started things off by going to get dinner and it was our first luxe guide restaurant. From here on out, I will always get a luxe guide for our travels and trust their recommendations. It was spot on for all our pit stops for food and drink. The first place we went to was a huge space, like a fancy food court with several options...and we started things off right by going to a tapas joint. It was our first experience with razor clams and other tapas which did not disappoint. After dinner we also headed to the mall to go their grocery store downstairs, it was a good way to orient ourselves with the city and get situated in our apartment.
I still can’t believe all that we did in that short period of tie. 10+ museums, everything from the maritime museum, Egyptian museum, Picasso Museu, contemporary art museum, chocolate museum, Jamon experience, Parc Güell, casa Pedrera, Casa Milá, Miro museum, the science Museum, the aquarium, etc. We also went to a castle, where I nursed Austin sitting on a cannon, rode the hop on hop off bus tour, rode a cable car, and we also went toe the FCB Museum. My favorites included watching the Spanish guitar and flamenco dancing at the beautiful Palau de la musica, walking around Barri gotic, eating jamon, the boys loving all the food, ordering another bone marrow, Dylan wanting to try “a little bit of everything” and all the boys being such great travelers. I have to admit that I was a little nervous traveling without another set of adult hands around, but everything was great. The weather was perfect, just a slight drizzle the last day, and there wasn’t any sense of revolutionary danger.... Just a few minor do-overs, like not buying the Barcelona Passes for the boys, realizing that they also had children’s audio tours, not getting the closing tie right for the big national art museum in the park, buying the non-Spanish guitar CD from the guy who was playing Spanish guitar in the old quarter, and missing the closing time for the big department store the night of Black Friday, when I snuck out and bought 2 seaters from COS, but that’s about it. I found it odd how many people in Barcelona smoke - young, old, men and women all smoke, and still don’t know why they have those funny shaped toilets that lend themelves to nasty skid marks.
I bought a few souvenirs, and got a head start with gifts for Xmas, fcb shirt and bottle opener for Ian, bracelet for Isabella, small pencil case, bookmark and chocolates for Sofia, but my favorite was the print of darth vador using his light saber to click jamon. I ended up getting a super soft cream sweater, a grey sweater, blue short sleeve sweater, a blue canvas bag, pink button down shirt and 3 bracelets. I usually always get a bag/piece of jewelry when I travel. I bought a compass for Dylan for Xmas and Evan a fancy storm trooper and airplane shirts. The boys were really into souvenirs. In fact I think they wanted to go to use us just to get a souvenir, but at least Dylan was really into the audio tours. Of all the audio tours the one at Sagrada Familia was probably the least impressive, although the church was pretty spectacular. I really liked the tour at Casa Milá with the augmented reality through the phone. That was pretty cool.
The food was delicious. I ate my face off, thoroughly enjoyed myself for lunch and dinner (breakfast was mainly at our Airbnb and I consider it a win that I only gained less than 2 lbs on that trip. That’s another reason why I love going on vacation. I feel like you can really enjoy the food and culture and you do so walking that it nets out to be pretty even from the weight perspective. It was such a high going on that trip...certainly filled with many happy memories as I closed out that decade. I really love traveling with all my boys. I hope when they grow up they appreciate how hard we work to make these trips happen for our family.
Random memories:
-off-roading with the key fit caddy stroller down the hill to get to lunch
-watching Wonder Woman and last man on earth TV series on the flight. Starving on the loooooong flight home.
-Dylan playing with Austin, chasing him around on the floor at our appt
-Evan losing his water bottle and me finding it at the science museum
-the game of thrones exhibit at the maritime museum that we did not go to
-Eating ramen in Barcelona (the only restaurant we had to wait for a table)
-cost 10 caco beans for a rabbit or prostitute. 100 for a slave.
-Dylan eating foie gras for thanksgiving
-still losing a lot of hair and having scalp issues
Well we almost didn’t make the flight. The day was long as it started out with a 7am call in for the Sheila marketing meeting and me trekking to Fremont to get my hair done and then calling into product review, reviewing tv scripts and email. I didn’t anticipate that it would take 5 hours for the process to be done. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. Sadly the damaged aspects of my hair makes myself hair thicker for whatever few strands I have left. I am trying to focus on the positive. we had to leave at 4 pm, but it took an extra 15 min for me to pack. Traffics on 92 and getting off on Hillsdale was like a parking lot. B was so mad. He kept on saying that we were going to miss the flight and that if we missed it that he wasn’t going. So mad, and so negative - it was all quite upsetting. The boys were all ready to go at foster city and we made good time to the airport. Strangely enough the computers were down so no one could get their boarding pass or even board on the plane for over an hour. We pretty much just sat by the ticketing booth waiting for the computers to be fixed. The boys were very well behaved at the airport and on the flight. They gorged on tv/movies and slept. The movie selection wasn’t great considering the fact that I usually use these long flights to catch up on over a years worth of movies...but there was nothing great.
We arrived to the airbnb and the apartment suited us well - it was exactly as it was listed. Clean, newish, spacious for our family. We started things off by going to get dinner and it was our first luxe guide restaurant. From here on out, I will always get a luxe guide for our travels and trust their recommendations. It was spot on for all our pit stops for food and drink. The first place we went to was a huge space, like a fancy food court with several options...and we started things off right by going to a tapas joint. It was our first experience with razor clams and other tapas which did not disappoint. After dinner we also headed to the mall to go their grocery store downstairs, it was a good way to orient ourselves with the city and get situated in our apartment.
I still can’t believe all that we did in that short period of tie. 10+ museums, everything from the maritime museum, Egyptian museum, Picasso Museu, contemporary art museum, chocolate museum, Jamon experience, Parc Güell, casa Pedrera, Casa Milá, Miro museum, the science Museum, the aquarium, etc. We also went to a castle, where I nursed Austin sitting on a cannon, rode the hop on hop off bus tour, rode a cable car, and we also went toe the FCB Museum. My favorites included watching the Spanish guitar and flamenco dancing at the beautiful Palau de la musica, walking around Barri gotic, eating jamon, the boys loving all the food, ordering another bone marrow, Dylan wanting to try “a little bit of everything” and all the boys being such great travelers. I have to admit that I was a little nervous traveling without another set of adult hands around, but everything was great. The weather was perfect, just a slight drizzle the last day, and there wasn’t any sense of revolutionary danger.... Just a few minor do-overs, like not buying the Barcelona Passes for the boys, realizing that they also had children’s audio tours, not getting the closing tie right for the big national art museum in the park, buying the non-Spanish guitar CD from the guy who was playing Spanish guitar in the old quarter, and missing the closing time for the big department store the night of Black Friday, when I snuck out and bought 2 seaters from COS, but that’s about it. I found it odd how many people in Barcelona smoke - young, old, men and women all smoke, and still don’t know why they have those funny shaped toilets that lend themelves to nasty skid marks.
I bought a few souvenirs, and got a head start with gifts for Xmas, fcb shirt and bottle opener for Ian, bracelet for Isabella, small pencil case, bookmark and chocolates for Sofia, but my favorite was the print of darth vador using his light saber to click jamon. I ended up getting a super soft cream sweater, a grey sweater, blue short sleeve sweater, a blue canvas bag, pink button down shirt and 3 bracelets. I usually always get a bag/piece of jewelry when I travel. I bought a compass for Dylan for Xmas and Evan a fancy storm trooper and airplane shirts. The boys were really into souvenirs. In fact I think they wanted to go to use us just to get a souvenir, but at least Dylan was really into the audio tours. Of all the audio tours the one at Sagrada Familia was probably the least impressive, although the church was pretty spectacular. I really liked the tour at Casa Milá with the augmented reality through the phone. That was pretty cool.
The food was delicious. I ate my face off, thoroughly enjoyed myself for lunch and dinner (breakfast was mainly at our Airbnb and I consider it a win that I only gained less than 2 lbs on that trip. That’s another reason why I love going on vacation. I feel like you can really enjoy the food and culture and you do so walking that it nets out to be pretty even from the weight perspective. It was such a high going on that trip...certainly filled with many happy memories as I closed out that decade. I really love traveling with all my boys. I hope when they grow up they appreciate how hard we work to make these trips happen for our family.
Random memories:
-off-roading with the key fit caddy stroller down the hill to get to lunch
-watching Wonder Woman and last man on earth TV series on the flight. Starving on the loooooong flight home.
-Dylan playing with Austin, chasing him around on the floor at our appt
-Evan losing his water bottle and me finding it at the science museum
-the game of thrones exhibit at the maritime museum that we did not go to
-Eating ramen in Barcelona (the only restaurant we had to wait for a table)
-cost 10 caco beans for a rabbit or prostitute. 100 for a slave.
-Dylan eating foie gras for thanksgiving
-still losing a lot of hair and having scalp issues
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
the day before
well i knew that it was going to come, sooner rather than later. not sure how i feel about it. neutral at best is a little sad. but at this point, am i not beyond doing things or feelings things because "i should". seems more pragmatic and less stressful to just be. and accept that.
but i don't want to disappoint dylan. he's so excited for my birthday tomorrow. today he kept on wanting me to guess what my birthday gift is going to be. i knew that he would try to tell me in all his excitement, so i told him that i'll wait until my real birthday to guess.
Evan is passed out...still hasn't quite adjusted to the time difference from spain, like little austin - who has also been napping for the last 5 years.
Spain however was a wonderful family trip. I'll save the details for another post, but as for a birthday gift/trip - those memories will stay with me forever. and i'm all about experiences these days (altho a little sparkle never hurt anybody). it started out super stressful, with all the traffic heading the airport, and me leaving 15 min later than ideal because of my 5 hour hair processing appointment...but i suppose that this is one of my new resolutions is to be more time sensitive. I want to stress less, but also be better about time. This suggests that I'm more efficient, or at least more realistic and I suppose less optimistic about time. but then this conflicts with my other resolution about being more optimistic in this new decade. I absolutely want to be and express more gratitude. life really is too short. i have a wonderful family. everyone is still healthy. i am so lucky to have amazing in-laws, brian and all my boys. i've reached the VP level, at a company that is 2.3 miles from my house, doing meaningful work for a mission based company, friends that i can rely on and call/catch up with at anytime with no love lost if we don't connect very often, and of course a warped body image issue which is still a work in progress, but at least i'm not in denial about it. i used to think that by 40 i would be in the best shape of my life. i did not anticipate that i would be worried about my milk supply and my ability to detect weather changes via my c-section scar. i still an not accepting of my muffin top for the long-term, but hopefully more forgiving for my shape as i can only try my best, and hope that it's good enough for me. isn't that a bizarre statement to make? yet it somehow sums up the conflict of having high expectations and being happy.
i did like mom and dad's message in the flower bouquet they sent. I'm really only increasing my value over time. If i had birthday wishes, i would wish for health and happiness for my family and me. pretty simple.
again, i can only try my best, and hope that it's good enough for me. happy birthday to me.
but i don't want to disappoint dylan. he's so excited for my birthday tomorrow. today he kept on wanting me to guess what my birthday gift is going to be. i knew that he would try to tell me in all his excitement, so i told him that i'll wait until my real birthday to guess.
Evan is passed out...still hasn't quite adjusted to the time difference from spain, like little austin - who has also been napping for the last 5 years.
Spain however was a wonderful family trip. I'll save the details for another post, but as for a birthday gift/trip - those memories will stay with me forever. and i'm all about experiences these days (altho a little sparkle never hurt anybody). it started out super stressful, with all the traffic heading the airport, and me leaving 15 min later than ideal because of my 5 hour hair processing appointment...but i suppose that this is one of my new resolutions is to be more time sensitive. I want to stress less, but also be better about time. This suggests that I'm more efficient, or at least more realistic and I suppose less optimistic about time. but then this conflicts with my other resolution about being more optimistic in this new decade. I absolutely want to be and express more gratitude. life really is too short. i have a wonderful family. everyone is still healthy. i am so lucky to have amazing in-laws, brian and all my boys. i've reached the VP level, at a company that is 2.3 miles from my house, doing meaningful work for a mission based company, friends that i can rely on and call/catch up with at anytime with no love lost if we don't connect very often, and of course a warped body image issue which is still a work in progress, but at least i'm not in denial about it. i used to think that by 40 i would be in the best shape of my life. i did not anticipate that i would be worried about my milk supply and my ability to detect weather changes via my c-section scar. i still an not accepting of my muffin top for the long-term, but hopefully more forgiving for my shape as i can only try my best, and hope that it's good enough for me. isn't that a bizarre statement to make? yet it somehow sums up the conflict of having high expectations and being happy.
i did like mom and dad's message in the flower bouquet they sent. I'm really only increasing my value over time. If i had birthday wishes, i would wish for health and happiness for my family and me. pretty simple.
again, i can only try my best, and hope that it's good enough for me. happy birthday to me.
Friday, October 6, 2017
funny sayings
a few weeks ago dylan said that "austin's head smells like truffle chips" and evan said that the sunset looked like an abalone shell. so proud of their use of language.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
not enough
just finished updating Austin's baby book and have pretty much finished both evan and dylan's first year books. i've neglected pretty much everything over the last few days trying to pull this together. it's something that i hope they'll appreciate, and their future families appreciate in the years ahead.
not enough time to enjoy the boys. not enough time to hear evan say "Oh-Kaye". not enough time to watch Austin play with his toes. not enough time to hear the boys banter in chinese in their rooms. not enough time to overhear conversations like this:
dylan - "evan that looks dangerous." evan - "I know!!!" with glee. not enough time to continue to help brian with his practice marketing - updating his emails, revamping his paid search accounts. not enough time to help plan our Spain trip. not enough time to work out. not enough time to plan evan's birthday party for THIS weekend. not enough time to help Dylan with his penmanship, piano and play his math games. not enough time to help evan perfect his "twinkle, twinkle little star." not enough time to spend time with brian. not enough time to be kind to myself. not enough time for gratitude. and i really need to make the time for gratitude. but now - i need to eat, order decorations for evan's party and feed austin again.
not enough time to enjoy the boys. not enough time to hear evan say "Oh-Kaye". not enough time to watch Austin play with his toes. not enough time to hear the boys banter in chinese in their rooms. not enough time to overhear conversations like this:
dylan - "evan that looks dangerous." evan - "I know!!!" with glee. not enough time to continue to help brian with his practice marketing - updating his emails, revamping his paid search accounts. not enough time to help plan our Spain trip. not enough time to work out. not enough time to plan evan's birthday party for THIS weekend. not enough time to help Dylan with his penmanship, piano and play his math games. not enough time to help evan perfect his "twinkle, twinkle little star." not enough time to spend time with brian. not enough time to be kind to myself. not enough time for gratitude. and i really need to make the time for gratitude. but now - i need to eat, order decorations for evan's party and feed austin again.
Monday, September 18, 2017
i work hard
I work hard. i'm too smart not to, and i'm not smart enough not to. this year has been a tremendous year. and like how i've described how it's like to have 3 boys, i say that the highs are high and the lows are low. we have a beautiful baby boy and i'm turning 40. 2 tremendous milestones and there's a bittersweet sadness to it all.
this is my last tuesday of maternity leave before i go back to work this thursday. i've been desperately trying to cram everything in. archiving all the boys' art projects, and also finishing up everyone's baby book. i spent all weekend with brian being gone in scottsdale working on their baby books, which was probably not the best time to do so, considering how emotional i am going back to work and reflecting on this magical summer.
i don't feel guilty when i think about going back to work. I feel sad. And I feel this way for many reasons. i spent my 20s sprinting up the corporate ladder and making the best decision of my life marrying brian. my ambition was to go hard and professional achieve as much as possible. I definitely wanted to be Director before 30, and wanted more, more, more. There was little differentiation between my social life and professional life, so balance wasn't really factor. And then I got married.
Needing to be home for dinner, having a life partner, traveling together before kids became a priority. My 30s were about living a life as a couple, to start a family. It wasn't about me anymore. It was about them...our future, our kids. Professionally I wasn't going to make it to VP at Sephora, as frustrating as that was...and bigger priorities started coming into play. Being close to home, to be closer to the boys and b's practice started to factor in. Deciding to take the role at Care.com, working hard to gain traction, establish myself in a new company, make a difference and get promoted to VP to set myself up for future consulting gigs was the professional focus. Taking a full-time job with good maternity benefits was also a factor and a significant one, since the decision to have more kids was more of an impromptu situation, but getting through another pregnancy cleary became a priority. And now there are 3 boys, and i'm turning 40.
so now what. i don't really care about proving myself professionally anymore. I'm not gunning for a CMO role, a larger team, or more responsibility. More money, maybe - but is that really the point? I don't want to dismiss the impact that money has in our household, or livelihood, but then as i grow up - time has become much more valuable than money. so then what.
if i work so hard - what should i be working for. to earn money to pay for opportunities for my kids to have their extracurricular activities? for vacations? should i work with my children to help them become better citizens of the world? who gets to benefit from what kind of work i should do? should i work for the practice to see if that would help our household? Time is the most valuable asset to me now. How am i going to make the best of it?
this is my last tuesday of maternity leave before i go back to work this thursday. i've been desperately trying to cram everything in. archiving all the boys' art projects, and also finishing up everyone's baby book. i spent all weekend with brian being gone in scottsdale working on their baby books, which was probably not the best time to do so, considering how emotional i am going back to work and reflecting on this magical summer.
i don't feel guilty when i think about going back to work. I feel sad. And I feel this way for many reasons. i spent my 20s sprinting up the corporate ladder and making the best decision of my life marrying brian. my ambition was to go hard and professional achieve as much as possible. I definitely wanted to be Director before 30, and wanted more, more, more. There was little differentiation between my social life and professional life, so balance wasn't really factor. And then I got married.
Needing to be home for dinner, having a life partner, traveling together before kids became a priority. My 30s were about living a life as a couple, to start a family. It wasn't about me anymore. It was about them...our future, our kids. Professionally I wasn't going to make it to VP at Sephora, as frustrating as that was...and bigger priorities started coming into play. Being close to home, to be closer to the boys and b's practice started to factor in. Deciding to take the role at Care.com, working hard to gain traction, establish myself in a new company, make a difference and get promoted to VP to set myself up for future consulting gigs was the professional focus. Taking a full-time job with good maternity benefits was also a factor and a significant one, since the decision to have more kids was more of an impromptu situation, but getting through another pregnancy cleary became a priority. And now there are 3 boys, and i'm turning 40.
so now what. i don't really care about proving myself professionally anymore. I'm not gunning for a CMO role, a larger team, or more responsibility. More money, maybe - but is that really the point? I don't want to dismiss the impact that money has in our household, or livelihood, but then as i grow up - time has become much more valuable than money. so then what.
if i work so hard - what should i be working for. to earn money to pay for opportunities for my kids to have their extracurricular activities? for vacations? should i work with my children to help them become better citizens of the world? who gets to benefit from what kind of work i should do? should i work for the practice to see if that would help our household? Time is the most valuable asset to me now. How am i going to make the best of it?
Monday, September 11, 2017
teeth
August 28th - dylan lost his first tooth. Or more accurately he tied floss to his loose tooth and used a pull back car to rip it out of his mouth! he's braver than i am. he wrote about it in the tooth book for school - but I think we're still waiting on the letter to the tooth fairy. TBC.
as dylan loses his teeth - austin had his 2 bottom teeth break through as well. My babies are growing up too fast?
coincidentally Annie also lost a tooth. Dylan has made a comment about that as well...and hopefully it wasn't too offensive.
as dylan loses his teeth - austin had his 2 bottom teeth break through as well. My babies are growing up too fast?
coincidentally Annie also lost a tooth. Dylan has made a comment about that as well...and hopefully it wasn't too offensive.
anxious about being anxious
there's been this cloud...over my maternity leave. this impending sense that my magical summer, my magical maternity will end soon, and life as i know it will change dramatically again. you would think that i would have evolved and am more mature about dealing with change, and shockingly Im still very emotionally dramatic about it. I wince at the thought of a new routine, and as much as i remind myself about the positives and focus on gratitude, all i want to do is stare at austin, snuggle, and go on play dates with evan and hang out with dylan. I'm hoping that this anticipation is the worst part. that it will be not that big of a deal.
mind over matter.
live in the present.
be grateful.
accept the feelings that i have, but don't let them hold me back or negatively impact my life
eat, pray, love was on TV last night. i watched the majority of the movie - at least the eat, pray parts and the beginning of the love part, but had to go to sleep. i had signed up for soul cycle at 9:30 and didn't want to be a complete dud in the morning, and still wanted to walk dylan to school and save time to pump milk for austin.
feeling guilt - forgiving oneself ---those seem rather counter culture to me. But it's something i want to work on. just like trying to get back into shape. although sometimes I'm conflicted, in the sense that maybe I should just accept who I am and try not to change myself - maybe i'll be more enlightened and happier then.
life is hard.
mind over matter.
live in the present.
be grateful.
accept the feelings that i have, but don't let them hold me back or negatively impact my life
eat, pray, love was on TV last night. i watched the majority of the movie - at least the eat, pray parts and the beginning of the love part, but had to go to sleep. i had signed up for soul cycle at 9:30 and didn't want to be a complete dud in the morning, and still wanted to walk dylan to school and save time to pump milk for austin.
feeling guilt - forgiving oneself ---those seem rather counter culture to me. But it's something i want to work on. just like trying to get back into shape. although sometimes I'm conflicted, in the sense that maybe I should just accept who I am and try not to change myself - maybe i'll be more enlightened and happier then.
life is hard.
first days of school
the end of summer came crashing down, coming back from socal on a sunday and evan starting school the following wed. This year he said he wants to be a pilot when he grows up. I didn't take him to school, but i did go and pick him up to take his first day of school picture. That still counts, right?
we went to meet the teacher, the day before school officially started at Las Lomitas. found out that dylan's teacher was going to be Mrs. Koyohara on monday, the day before meet the teacher. was a little disappointed because we were hoping to have Ms. Marchi (of course Elly has her). perhaps one of our boys will have her. we walked to meet the teacher and was a few min late from the official start time. We waited in line to introduce ourselves to her, and didn't realize that there was a specific order to which we were supposed to do things, according to the checklist she had on the first table (i didn't realize that there was a first table). little did I know that we had to sign up for a time for the child's assessment (none of which worked out with our schedule, so we had to create a new time), and that the entrance to her class was actually the back door (we were schooled on this by Mrs. Kiyohara). brian, austin and i were able to send dylan off to school. for this year's sign - he said he wanted to be an engineer for fast cars. where did the time go?
I was able to volunteer on the second day of school - i was supposed to take pictures of all the kids in his class. I was really looking forward to it, and it was fun to see dylan interact within the classroom setting, but was disappointed by how poorly the pictures turned out. i'm way out of practice. i should have just taken the pictures form my iphone. should've, could've, would've.
it's been such a joy to walk dylan to school. i love loitering around to see what happens on the playground in the morning. some days he sees elly and they run off together, another day he had his arm around cyrus and they walked onto the playground together. so sweet. my heart aches that i won't be able to do this very often when i go back to work. i need to figure out how i can try to do this at least once a week.
we went to meet the teacher, the day before school officially started at Las Lomitas. found out that dylan's teacher was going to be Mrs. Koyohara on monday, the day before meet the teacher. was a little disappointed because we were hoping to have Ms. Marchi (of course Elly has her). perhaps one of our boys will have her. we walked to meet the teacher and was a few min late from the official start time. We waited in line to introduce ourselves to her, and didn't realize that there was a specific order to which we were supposed to do things, according to the checklist she had on the first table (i didn't realize that there was a first table). little did I know that we had to sign up for a time for the child's assessment (none of which worked out with our schedule, so we had to create a new time), and that the entrance to her class was actually the back door (we were schooled on this by Mrs. Kiyohara). brian, austin and i were able to send dylan off to school. for this year's sign - he said he wanted to be an engineer for fast cars. where did the time go?
I was able to volunteer on the second day of school - i was supposed to take pictures of all the kids in his class. I was really looking forward to it, and it was fun to see dylan interact within the classroom setting, but was disappointed by how poorly the pictures turned out. i'm way out of practice. i should have just taken the pictures form my iphone. should've, could've, would've.
it's been such a joy to walk dylan to school. i love loitering around to see what happens on the playground in the morning. some days he sees elly and they run off together, another day he had his arm around cyrus and they walked onto the playground together. so sweet. my heart aches that i won't be able to do this very often when i go back to work. i need to figure out how i can try to do this at least once a week.
friendships
it was so nice to see and spend quality time with friends this summer. the song about "make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold" is so true. it was so nice to just hang out with christine at her house, to walk seal beach with cindy, and my favorite is cruising target with kathy after the kids go to bed.
it's been a mad rush to connect with vera, noel, brooke, friends from sephora (heishin, jill, hopefully others), christine chun, etc. i'm feeling like i won't have ANY time when i go back to work.
i do like reconnecting with friends from different eras of my life. i feel like it helps to keep me grounded. like they are roots to my old, twisty weeping willow. Dramatic because I'm dreading going back to work.
it's been a mad rush to connect with vera, noel, brooke, friends from sephora (heishin, jill, hopefully others), christine chun, etc. i'm feeling like i won't have ANY time when i go back to work.
i do like reconnecting with friends from different eras of my life. i feel like it helps to keep me grounded. like they are roots to my old, twisty weeping willow. Dramatic because I'm dreading going back to work.
Friday, August 25, 2017
he rolls! he crawls?
down in socal on aug 12th - i woke up to austin crying. he had flipped over on the dock-a-tot. uh-oh. how is it possible that he's flipping over already? He had mastered this by the time we had his 4 mo appointment on Aug 15th. that was when dr. Cleary said "that's done". so now i'm putting him in the pack and play in our room...but i miss him already. the boys' bunkbeds are coming on monday, so the crib will be philosophically ready by next week. he kicks a lot, but he's still a good snuggler when he's milk drunk.
by the end of that week (the week of the 14th) and can make his way across the play mat. unlike the other babies and scooted backwards, he moves forward, catapulting himself like an inchworm with his head. i am not ready for him to be on the move. just not ready.
will never be ready.
by the end of that week (the week of the 14th) and can make his way across the play mat. unlike the other babies and scooted backwards, he moves forward, catapulting himself like an inchworm with his head. i am not ready for him to be on the move. just not ready.
will never be ready.
the summer of fun!
how is it that it's evan's first day of cornerstone preschool and summer is already over? this was the amazing summer of fun. i've been trying to focus on the mantra of "don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened". that couldn't ring more true.
we did a lot this summer:
-weekend trips to carmel - comfort inn and at the santuaryee. fun july 4th with free food in downtown carmel. of course they would have fresh fruit, and fresh blueberries in their lemonade. dylan chatting up a storm with the woman with her kids at the campfire by the beach. we have our family pass down to the aquarium (and even bough passes to gilroy gardens too). discovered great italian and nachos with the yees, and every time we head down there it reinforces the dream of carmel house.
-weekend trip to sacramento:
wanted to take Dylan to a gold mine and pan for gold since he learned about the history of CA in summer school. really enjoyed the train museum and the closest gold mine had a quick tour and seeded some stones for us to find, but still really educational and fun to take the boys. discovered the great bacon and butter breakfast joint that was amazing! somewhat inappropriately dressed for the fancy place dudley recommended for dinner - but still an experience nonetheless.
-weekend trip to legoland:
couldn't believe that it took us 3 hours to drive down there, and we also went to the waterpark on day 1 (a little unprepared without towels), but the boys still had fun. day 2 we got the access wristbands which we put to good use. dylan's favorite was the technics rollercoaster and evan's was the dragon one. although i think he was a little scared of the coasters. bbq is always good... but the bees or the hornets, whatever they were were stressful. the hotel we stayed in was not bad - had good food (b ordered some late night bites)and was walking distance to the park. i'm not sure i would stay at the legoland hotel. seems kind of crazy - altho the sheraton next door with its own entrance might be a good option next time.
-summer school:
it was such a joy to be able to walk/take dylan to and from summer school. he just learned to whistle this summer, so we would walk, talk and he would often whistle home. Tutu was often taken aback when she saw me in the pick up line, like all the other moms from years past. sometimes austin would come with me, sometimes not. part of my exercise regimen included waling to los lomitas to pick up dylan, or walking the dish 2ish times a week (coordinated with picking up evan from cornerstone summer school). i started walking the dish about 8 weeks postpartum, i think the first week dylan went to summer school. still wasn't ready for soul cycle or more strenuous exercise, so took advantage of studio rincon's groupon deal and walked a ton
-hawaii:
dylan declared that new work and hawaii were his favorite places to go to, and evan said new york and seal beach were his favorites. my boys were so tan! dylan was dark chocolate, evan was milk chocolate and austin was caramel. poor dylan was burned a bit on his face. we didn't reapply often enough. i was burned pretty badly along the gap between my underwear and my rash shirt. the sun is so dangerous and damaging. (another lesson in balance - i really enjoyed taking walks, picking up dylan from school, walking the dish...but the tradeoff is that i think my skin was more sun-damaged than ever this summer. *sigh. you can never win). all the boys were great on the flight. fortunately brian flew back - missed his original flight - but made it so that we could all fly out together from LAX. always great to land in hawaii - and see the palm trees, breathe in the balmy air - and so we land with all our glorious luggage. 2 car seats, booster, stroller, 2 large suitcases, 2 carry ons, and the boys had their backpack and i had my large black travel bag. it was a lot. getting the rental car was a joke, considering the fact that brian and dylan took a cab to the rental car office and austin and i were melting outside with all our luggage. at the very least they upgraded our car, and i believe the rental was pretty much free. we were so thirsty that we had to get off the freeway to buy waters before heading out to the hotel. not just any hotel - but the four seasons. i think this is my third four seasons experience. first being the one in vegas for mumford's 60th bday, the brooklyn location and now oahu. our room wasn't ready yet so we ordered food by the pool. it started raining, and it was kind of funny to see the staff try to stuff towels between the break in between 2 umbrellas and we did appreciate the service of them hustling us to the bar and getting an umbrella to walk austin and me there. we had a handicap room, but the views were amazing - the bathroom was ridiculously large. they had the boys' names spelled out with sponges and whale stuffed animals, along with candy and a handwritten note for us. nice touches. of course they had the kids robes and i ordered 2 baby kits, aftersun cream and the nail kit - per belinda's direction. i also helped myself to some baby wipes they had at the diaper changing stations. that is one of the reasons why b likes the 4Cs. they don't nickel and dime you along the way. they had complimentary sunscreen, the snorkeling gear and paddle boards were all free for us to use. they gave us a really nice bag when we asked for a bag to put our wet bathing suits in. the best part was when belinda had arranged for birthday cake to be delivered to our room, but since we had our privacy sign on, they didn't bring it. they did end up bringing to the lounge area, where they coincidentally had an art show with wine, passed appetizers, and a live band by the pool. sweet dylan thought that it was all for him. love that boy to pieces.
it was so nice to hang out with belin's family and to have extra sets of hands. hard to believe that isa is starting high school. we hung out by the pool, the beach, enjoyed their nice buffet spread, went into town to take them to sasbune. not sure the girls enjoyed it...but it was delicious as always. it went by too quickly - and although i did have a chance to enjoy their spa, and had one of the best massages ever - ranked up there with mykonos grand, i left dad's fancy korean shampoo at the spa when i raced in there to use the facilities once more before heading to the airport. glad that we decided to not stay aulani. it looked pretty crowded and b ran into a family who only lasted 1 night - checked out and came to 4C instead.
it was so nice to read on vacation. i had borrowed "ready player one" from christine and finished "big little lies" over the summer.
boys were again great on the plan to maui and it was a late night. drama with checking in because for whatever reason, they didn't have in there notes that i had paid for the 2 bedroom upgrade. the nerve of them wanting to charge me another $2k for the room. not happening. what a dramatic chance in view - as we had a view of the concrete parking lot - but i wasn't going to cause a fuss, the manager wasn't there and the boys were sleeping in the lobby (almost midnight). this time - we were roped into the timeshare presentation. net net, brian's interest level was a 3 and i said mine was a 6 to hopefully get invited again. it was pretty windy the first 2 days, but the boys had a great time at the pool. we hit baby beach a few times, snorkeled, dylan took to boogie boarding pretty well again and comes home telling everything that he swam halfway to molokai. evan snorkeled a little bit, and austin was perfectly mellow in the ocean and in the pool on this trip. mama's fish house was lovely - and it was great to go in the afternoon since the views were incredible, and the reservations we had at star noodle was perfect. we squeezed in a last minute pineapple dole whip run in lahaina on our last night as well, and the boys remembered that we saw the crabs on the sand when we went there for tommy's wedding. pretty incredible.
the downside of the trip - besides spending way too long at the timeshare presentation, was that b was super stressed. he didn't get approval for his permit for the practice, the contractor came back with costs more than $400k over the original estimate and our loan, and a person he hired, that was supposed to be training, decided not to come back after 2 days. it was so sad to see him so distracted and stressed...not much anyone could do, including himself being out in hawaii. hopefully he had 5% of the fun the boys had...and that would be a good time. and there's always the downside of coming home from hawaii. i had wanted to get some exercise in and i can't believe that i didn't make it island vintage coffee...but i did run out to the beach in front of our hotel to stick my feet in the ocean one last time before heading back to the airport...
-concerts:
my man john mayer. incredible. again. loved how he divided his sets into his full band, acoustic, john mayer trio, back to full band and his encore was him whistling and playing piano. HE ALSO PLAYS PIANO. could not love him even more. was so nice to catch up with christine that night. and we book ended our socal trip with ed sheeran. dylan and i had great seats. we had 2 different groups of people wanting to take video/pictures of dylan dancing. ed was incredible but his set was so short. about an hour. john played for 2 hours. if i had to call it...i would still be team john.
we did a lot this summer:
-weekend trips to carmel - comfort inn and at the santuaryee. fun july 4th with free food in downtown carmel. of course they would have fresh fruit, and fresh blueberries in their lemonade. dylan chatting up a storm with the woman with her kids at the campfire by the beach. we have our family pass down to the aquarium (and even bough passes to gilroy gardens too). discovered great italian and nachos with the yees, and every time we head down there it reinforces the dream of carmel house.
-weekend trip to sacramento:
wanted to take Dylan to a gold mine and pan for gold since he learned about the history of CA in summer school. really enjoyed the train museum and the closest gold mine had a quick tour and seeded some stones for us to find, but still really educational and fun to take the boys. discovered the great bacon and butter breakfast joint that was amazing! somewhat inappropriately dressed for the fancy place dudley recommended for dinner - but still an experience nonetheless.
-weekend trip to legoland:
couldn't believe that it took us 3 hours to drive down there, and we also went to the waterpark on day 1 (a little unprepared without towels), but the boys still had fun. day 2 we got the access wristbands which we put to good use. dylan's favorite was the technics rollercoaster and evan's was the dragon one. although i think he was a little scared of the coasters. bbq is always good... but the bees or the hornets, whatever they were were stressful. the hotel we stayed in was not bad - had good food (b ordered some late night bites)and was walking distance to the park. i'm not sure i would stay at the legoland hotel. seems kind of crazy - altho the sheraton next door with its own entrance might be a good option next time.
-summer school:
it was such a joy to be able to walk/take dylan to and from summer school. he just learned to whistle this summer, so we would walk, talk and he would often whistle home. Tutu was often taken aback when she saw me in the pick up line, like all the other moms from years past. sometimes austin would come with me, sometimes not. part of my exercise regimen included waling to los lomitas to pick up dylan, or walking the dish 2ish times a week (coordinated with picking up evan from cornerstone summer school). i started walking the dish about 8 weeks postpartum, i think the first week dylan went to summer school. still wasn't ready for soul cycle or more strenuous exercise, so took advantage of studio rincon's groupon deal and walked a ton
-hawaii:
dylan declared that new work and hawaii were his favorite places to go to, and evan said new york and seal beach were his favorites. my boys were so tan! dylan was dark chocolate, evan was milk chocolate and austin was caramel. poor dylan was burned a bit on his face. we didn't reapply often enough. i was burned pretty badly along the gap between my underwear and my rash shirt. the sun is so dangerous and damaging. (another lesson in balance - i really enjoyed taking walks, picking up dylan from school, walking the dish...but the tradeoff is that i think my skin was more sun-damaged than ever this summer. *sigh. you can never win). all the boys were great on the flight. fortunately brian flew back - missed his original flight - but made it so that we could all fly out together from LAX. always great to land in hawaii - and see the palm trees, breathe in the balmy air - and so we land with all our glorious luggage. 2 car seats, booster, stroller, 2 large suitcases, 2 carry ons, and the boys had their backpack and i had my large black travel bag. it was a lot. getting the rental car was a joke, considering the fact that brian and dylan took a cab to the rental car office and austin and i were melting outside with all our luggage. at the very least they upgraded our car, and i believe the rental was pretty much free. we were so thirsty that we had to get off the freeway to buy waters before heading out to the hotel. not just any hotel - but the four seasons. i think this is my third four seasons experience. first being the one in vegas for mumford's 60th bday, the brooklyn location and now oahu. our room wasn't ready yet so we ordered food by the pool. it started raining, and it was kind of funny to see the staff try to stuff towels between the break in between 2 umbrellas and we did appreciate the service of them hustling us to the bar and getting an umbrella to walk austin and me there. we had a handicap room, but the views were amazing - the bathroom was ridiculously large. they had the boys' names spelled out with sponges and whale stuffed animals, along with candy and a handwritten note for us. nice touches. of course they had the kids robes and i ordered 2 baby kits, aftersun cream and the nail kit - per belinda's direction. i also helped myself to some baby wipes they had at the diaper changing stations. that is one of the reasons why b likes the 4Cs. they don't nickel and dime you along the way. they had complimentary sunscreen, the snorkeling gear and paddle boards were all free for us to use. they gave us a really nice bag when we asked for a bag to put our wet bathing suits in. the best part was when belinda had arranged for birthday cake to be delivered to our room, but since we had our privacy sign on, they didn't bring it. they did end up bringing to the lounge area, where they coincidentally had an art show with wine, passed appetizers, and a live band by the pool. sweet dylan thought that it was all for him. love that boy to pieces.
it was so nice to hang out with belin's family and to have extra sets of hands. hard to believe that isa is starting high school. we hung out by the pool, the beach, enjoyed their nice buffet spread, went into town to take them to sasbune. not sure the girls enjoyed it...but it was delicious as always. it went by too quickly - and although i did have a chance to enjoy their spa, and had one of the best massages ever - ranked up there with mykonos grand, i left dad's fancy korean shampoo at the spa when i raced in there to use the facilities once more before heading to the airport. glad that we decided to not stay aulani. it looked pretty crowded and b ran into a family who only lasted 1 night - checked out and came to 4C instead.
it was so nice to read on vacation. i had borrowed "ready player one" from christine and finished "big little lies" over the summer.
boys were again great on the plan to maui and it was a late night. drama with checking in because for whatever reason, they didn't have in there notes that i had paid for the 2 bedroom upgrade. the nerve of them wanting to charge me another $2k for the room. not happening. what a dramatic chance in view - as we had a view of the concrete parking lot - but i wasn't going to cause a fuss, the manager wasn't there and the boys were sleeping in the lobby (almost midnight). this time - we were roped into the timeshare presentation. net net, brian's interest level was a 3 and i said mine was a 6 to hopefully get invited again. it was pretty windy the first 2 days, but the boys had a great time at the pool. we hit baby beach a few times, snorkeled, dylan took to boogie boarding pretty well again and comes home telling everything that he swam halfway to molokai. evan snorkeled a little bit, and austin was perfectly mellow in the ocean and in the pool on this trip. mama's fish house was lovely - and it was great to go in the afternoon since the views were incredible, and the reservations we had at star noodle was perfect. we squeezed in a last minute pineapple dole whip run in lahaina on our last night as well, and the boys remembered that we saw the crabs on the sand when we went there for tommy's wedding. pretty incredible.
the downside of the trip - besides spending way too long at the timeshare presentation, was that b was super stressed. he didn't get approval for his permit for the practice, the contractor came back with costs more than $400k over the original estimate and our loan, and a person he hired, that was supposed to be training, decided not to come back after 2 days. it was so sad to see him so distracted and stressed...not much anyone could do, including himself being out in hawaii. hopefully he had 5% of the fun the boys had...and that would be a good time. and there's always the downside of coming home from hawaii. i had wanted to get some exercise in and i can't believe that i didn't make it island vintage coffee...but i did run out to the beach in front of our hotel to stick my feet in the ocean one last time before heading back to the airport...
-concerts:
my man john mayer. incredible. again. loved how he divided his sets into his full band, acoustic, john mayer trio, back to full band and his encore was him whistling and playing piano. HE ALSO PLAYS PIANO. could not love him even more. was so nice to catch up with christine that night. and we book ended our socal trip with ed sheeran. dylan and i had great seats. we had 2 different groups of people wanting to take video/pictures of dylan dancing. ed was incredible but his set was so short. about an hour. john played for 2 hours. if i had to call it...i would still be team john.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
he laughed!
at least there's one milestone I've captured. Austin laughed for the first time, with Brian the evening of july 18th. Brian says that he's such a serious baby, that it's extra special when he smiles and laughs. I hope he's as happy as my other happy boys. that is truly one of the things that I'm most grateful for
last appointment
It is now july 20 - and i am finishing a post that just had the title "last appointment". scary how quickly time is flying by. i suppose it was to capture the wistful feelings i had going to my last doc appointment with katz. we had such major milestones together. there was a sadness driving to the appt, there was the pride of sharing austin with the group at this office, and realization of "this is it." as we were discussing birth control options, he had suggested that I come back to be fitted for a diaphragm and i wonder if there was a still the desire to have a need to go back. what a crazy chapter as i close out my 30s. what a blessing to have the family that i have.
Thursday, June 1, 2017
a new low
so it was tuesday the 9th, and i had already committed dylan to submit a science project for school. after one of my many feedings with austin - i hauled him with me to Michaels to buy supplies for dylan's project. mid-way through our shopping trip, he started crying because he was hungry. i had a swaddle blanket on top, and some of the poster board on top of the stroller. i knew he was hungry. this woman came up to me and asked if the baby was ok. i said he was fine, he's hungry. she said that i think the baby needs to be held. i said he's hungry and we just need to go home. i finished up my shopping and headed home.
2 hours later, im peeing in the downstairs bathroom and i hear annie at the door. i come out and apparently the woman had followed me out to my car, and had called child protection services at redwood city, who then called the san mateo county police to send someone to check up on my kids. austin was in the pack n play, dylan was tooling around, evan was taking a nap upstairs. he said the baby seems fine, my older child seems fine. I said i have another one upstairs if we wanted to check up on him as well. he said "might as well since i'm here." i asked if this is going on my record or anything, and he told me to not worry about it, and that it was better to be safe than sorry.
i was:
furious
insulted
humiliated
livid
ashamed
depressed
devastated
(insert infinite negative emotions here)
there was no way i was going to take austin out of the car seat, have him smell my milk and go crazy. my best case scenario was to go home and feed him. i wasn't about to feed him at michaels for an hour feeding him with the plastic plants and stickers.
i called brian afterwards who thought it was ridiculous. i had texted sue, kathy, belinda sobbed to katie maderios, dr. clearly, and recently told ceri. peggy, the other nurse and Dr Katz thought it was ridiculous. Of course Dr K. had the good perspective of saying that if there were 1% chance of helping a child who was truly in need, then it's worth it for these busy bodies to be in everyone's business.
i thought about contacting the county to give this woman a piece of my mind...but don't want to dwell on anything that's negative in my life. what's sad is that this hits at my core. exacerbating my doubts on my capabilities of being a good mom for all of my boys. All i can do is my best. And i resent being judged by other. but i need to let that go.
Let. It. Go.
2 hours later, im peeing in the downstairs bathroom and i hear annie at the door. i come out and apparently the woman had followed me out to my car, and had called child protection services at redwood city, who then called the san mateo county police to send someone to check up on my kids. austin was in the pack n play, dylan was tooling around, evan was taking a nap upstairs. he said the baby seems fine, my older child seems fine. I said i have another one upstairs if we wanted to check up on him as well. he said "might as well since i'm here." i asked if this is going on my record or anything, and he told me to not worry about it, and that it was better to be safe than sorry.
i was:
furious
insulted
humiliated
livid
ashamed
depressed
devastated
(insert infinite negative emotions here)
there was no way i was going to take austin out of the car seat, have him smell my milk and go crazy. my best case scenario was to go home and feed him. i wasn't about to feed him at michaels for an hour feeding him with the plastic plants and stickers.
i called brian afterwards who thought it was ridiculous. i had texted sue, kathy, belinda sobbed to katie maderios, dr. clearly, and recently told ceri. peggy, the other nurse and Dr Katz thought it was ridiculous. Of course Dr K. had the good perspective of saying that if there were 1% chance of helping a child who was truly in need, then it's worth it for these busy bodies to be in everyone's business.
i thought about contacting the county to give this woman a piece of my mind...but don't want to dwell on anything that's negative in my life. what's sad is that this hits at my core. exacerbating my doubts on my capabilities of being a good mom for all of my boys. All i can do is my best. And i resent being judged by other. but i need to let that go.
Let. It. Go.
what's cute
dylan is still wearing the wristband he received when he came to visit Austin in the hospital. he always wants to give austin kisses and hugs, and he too thinks that austin smells good. he is very sweet.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
gratitude
but there has to be some good, right?
-we were able to make an appt with dr. connie ho for monday and the lab results confirmed that it was not shingles
-i was able to be out and about, and be more mobile, more so than any of my other pregnancies
-i surprised myself that noel and i went to the sweaty betty grand opening event on april 25th (even though i had to go back later in the day to correct and overage on my receipt (but i bought something else too))
-mom cooked like crazy - and everyone enjoyed the fruits of my mom's hard labor in the kitchen
-the fish soup and the organ meat was kept to a minimal amount
-austin did not have to go back to the hospital - and was eating like a champ (he really only fusses when he's hungry). not sure if i was enabling him by squeezing my boobs, because my nursing sessions are super long. and it's really taken about 4 weeks for my nipples to become immune to the burning, searing pain associated with nursing, and i feel like only after 6 weeks has he been able to have shorter more efficient nursing sessions.
-i'm trying to pump a few times a week, but was able to wean him off formula after a few days before his 2 week appt. austin doubled his weight % to almost 20% for his 1 month check up, weighing in at 8 lbs 11oz.
-been able to have some key outings (besides the sweaty betty sale): noel's bday dinner, tutu's bday dinner, sunday mother's day brunch with belin (mom had already left), noel's surprise birthday dinner, uncle hiroji's bday lunch...lots of dining events.
-on a more subtle note, was able to go to dylan's piano recital on may 6th, have been able to walk dylan home from school at least once a week, and have been able to attend some soccer and tennis lessons which has been great.
-i'm also giving myself a lot of props for being able to volunteer on monday for dylan's class to stuff envelopes and help out at the lab, and also attended his field trip to cal academy in the city, before my appt with dr k
i miss having some dedicated time with evan. i've been able to bao-bao sheui-jiao twice...which is hard to do with austin in the docatot and our nursing schedule. will need to work on that.
-we were able to make an appt with dr. connie ho for monday and the lab results confirmed that it was not shingles
-i was able to be out and about, and be more mobile, more so than any of my other pregnancies
-i surprised myself that noel and i went to the sweaty betty grand opening event on april 25th (even though i had to go back later in the day to correct and overage on my receipt (but i bought something else too))
-mom cooked like crazy - and everyone enjoyed the fruits of my mom's hard labor in the kitchen
-the fish soup and the organ meat was kept to a minimal amount
-austin did not have to go back to the hospital - and was eating like a champ (he really only fusses when he's hungry). not sure if i was enabling him by squeezing my boobs, because my nursing sessions are super long. and it's really taken about 4 weeks for my nipples to become immune to the burning, searing pain associated with nursing, and i feel like only after 6 weeks has he been able to have shorter more efficient nursing sessions.
-i'm trying to pump a few times a week, but was able to wean him off formula after a few days before his 2 week appt. austin doubled his weight % to almost 20% for his 1 month check up, weighing in at 8 lbs 11oz.
-been able to have some key outings (besides the sweaty betty sale): noel's bday dinner, tutu's bday dinner, sunday mother's day brunch with belin (mom had already left), noel's surprise birthday dinner, uncle hiroji's bday lunch...lots of dining events.
-on a more subtle note, was able to go to dylan's piano recital on may 6th, have been able to walk dylan home from school at least once a week, and have been able to attend some soccer and tennis lessons which has been great.
-i'm also giving myself a lot of props for being able to volunteer on monday for dylan's class to stuff envelopes and help out at the lab, and also attended his field trip to cal academy in the city, before my appt with dr k
i miss having some dedicated time with evan. i've been able to bao-bao sheui-jiao twice...which is hard to do with austin in the docatot and our nursing schedule. will need to work on that.
the first few weeks
this was hard.
i'm trying to distill what was behind the "hard." there were a couple of things that stood out.
-evan went to a birthday party on the 19th, and he came home with a a runny nose and a bit of a cold. just like when we came home with evan and dylan was sick, we came home with austin and evan was sick
-austin had to go back for 3 consecutive days to get his heel pricked to check for jaundice. fortunately he didn't have to go back into the hospital, but dr cleary wanted to make sure he was eating enough, so she recommended at night we supplement with formula. He took to the bottle just fine, but i think that threw off my milk production, and i've been trying to catch up ever since
-brian also got sick - probably due to stress, sleep deprivation and weakened immune system.
-there's the overall hormones, and feeling big, puffy, swollen and so fat. not phat, i'm appreciating the joy of bringing a tiny human into this earth, but fat, in the bad, low-self-esteem, self-deprecating way of not wanting to look pregnant, when i'm not pregnant.
-the stress of being a mom of 3 kids, being a mom of 3 boys. so much penis.
-the twinge of sadness that we didn't have a girl, that i won't be buying that cute green romper from mini bodum, and all my beauty/makeup knowledge and future fashionista shopping partner will not really exist. that all my serious jewelry will have to go to my boys' daughters. that a better version of me - won't exist, at least in girl form.
-the countless number of times mom mentioned to me that i should stay home, or work part-time, or that i shouldn't be focused on my career, and that i'm a mom of 3 boys now, so what am I going to do...I finally had to ask her what was the point of saying all of this. to make me feel bad? not going back to work, is not an option for us at this point. brian's practice is still being locked up by planning and i still have 2 years before i'm fully vested and plus, i want a few years under my belt as VP at care to gain the TV and creative experience. In 2 years time, care.com 3.0 hopefully will be launched and i can get a better sense for its future.
-the fear of having postpartum depression, the 20% chance of having thyroid issues because i had gestational diabetes, the concern that i would still have diabetes after birth.
-the weird numbing/tingly sensation i would have after breastfeeding, the almost chills i would have afterwards, the dry skin, the hair loss, and again the swelling - the fatness and the puffiness.
-on the 28th austin and i both had doctor's appointments, and we both did well. i didn't see dr. k - but saw dr. scully, who i entertained with my newborn mold in my hand pump, since she also had a similar experience with her daughter. I did wait for Dr. clearly and ian to confirm that i didn't just accidentally expose austin to deadly mold and cause respiratory issues for the rest of his life... i spent all night researching this and worrying about the repercussions of giving him milk that was exposed to mold. i swear i had sanitized and stored all my pumping supplies after evan...and was so disgusted with myself. i still remember the horror of noticing the mold in the middle of the night, after i had hand-pumped some milk (shortly thereafter i went to rent my medical grade breast pump).
-and then mom's rash. we went to shoup park in los altos. we were sitting on a bench, i was nursing austin and a caterpillars were dropping from the tree above. i can't remember if it fell on my mom's shoulder, but she did punch me in the head - to knock one off of me. after that event - she felt so itchy and afterwards broke into a rash. we were not sure if this was related, but was concerned if this triggered another bought of shingles.
i'm not sure what's worse - freaking out, stressing over things i don't have control over, or sheer apathy.
i'm trying to distill what was behind the "hard." there were a couple of things that stood out.
-evan went to a birthday party on the 19th, and he came home with a a runny nose and a bit of a cold. just like when we came home with evan and dylan was sick, we came home with austin and evan was sick
-austin had to go back for 3 consecutive days to get his heel pricked to check for jaundice. fortunately he didn't have to go back into the hospital, but dr cleary wanted to make sure he was eating enough, so she recommended at night we supplement with formula. He took to the bottle just fine, but i think that threw off my milk production, and i've been trying to catch up ever since
-brian also got sick - probably due to stress, sleep deprivation and weakened immune system.
-there's the overall hormones, and feeling big, puffy, swollen and so fat. not phat, i'm appreciating the joy of bringing a tiny human into this earth, but fat, in the bad, low-self-esteem, self-deprecating way of not wanting to look pregnant, when i'm not pregnant.
-the stress of being a mom of 3 kids, being a mom of 3 boys. so much penis.
-the twinge of sadness that we didn't have a girl, that i won't be buying that cute green romper from mini bodum, and all my beauty/makeup knowledge and future fashionista shopping partner will not really exist. that all my serious jewelry will have to go to my boys' daughters. that a better version of me - won't exist, at least in girl form.
-the countless number of times mom mentioned to me that i should stay home, or work part-time, or that i shouldn't be focused on my career, and that i'm a mom of 3 boys now, so what am I going to do...I finally had to ask her what was the point of saying all of this. to make me feel bad? not going back to work, is not an option for us at this point. brian's practice is still being locked up by planning and i still have 2 years before i'm fully vested and plus, i want a few years under my belt as VP at care to gain the TV and creative experience. In 2 years time, care.com 3.0 hopefully will be launched and i can get a better sense for its future.
-the fear of having postpartum depression, the 20% chance of having thyroid issues because i had gestational diabetes, the concern that i would still have diabetes after birth.
-the weird numbing/tingly sensation i would have after breastfeeding, the almost chills i would have afterwards, the dry skin, the hair loss, and again the swelling - the fatness and the puffiness.
-on the 28th austin and i both had doctor's appointments, and we both did well. i didn't see dr. k - but saw dr. scully, who i entertained with my newborn mold in my hand pump, since she also had a similar experience with her daughter. I did wait for Dr. clearly and ian to confirm that i didn't just accidentally expose austin to deadly mold and cause respiratory issues for the rest of his life... i spent all night researching this and worrying about the repercussions of giving him milk that was exposed to mold. i swear i had sanitized and stored all my pumping supplies after evan...and was so disgusted with myself. i still remember the horror of noticing the mold in the middle of the night, after i had hand-pumped some milk (shortly thereafter i went to rent my medical grade breast pump).
-and then mom's rash. we went to shoup park in los altos. we were sitting on a bench, i was nursing austin and a caterpillars were dropping from the tree above. i can't remember if it fell on my mom's shoulder, but she did punch me in the head - to knock one off of me. after that event - she felt so itchy and afterwards broke into a rash. we were not sure if this was related, but was concerned if this triggered another bought of shingles.
i'm not sure what's worse - freaking out, stressing over things i don't have control over, or sheer apathy.
still at the hospital
perhaps hospitals were the first, or at least an early adopter of the smiley to unhappy emoji. I never reached over the point of 4 ore really unhappy smiley face on the pain chart throughout my stay at the hospital. Perhaps my fear of the constipation related to the narco is that short for narcotics?), but for the most part, i was on ibuprofen for my recovery. my bleeding wasn't that remarkable, as much as the thought and the insertion of the catheter still grosses me out, it was a relief to not have to get and pee. In true CPMC and c-section recovery fashion - they wanted me to get up and walk within 24 hours. It wasn't bad - i was able to shuffle around and do a lap around the floor.
i think the first night is really driven off of the adrenaline of having a newborn baby. austin (who wasn't named yet) was very mild mannered, unlike the baby next door/across the hall who was wailing all the time. we weren't sure if they had twins or not, because it didn't seem possible that 1 baby could cry that much, for so long. those poor parents...i would be concerned that there was something physically wrong with the baby. the father was like a zombie - walking through the halls, pushing the cart with the crying baby in it. brian saw him passed out in one of the open rooms on the floor.
besides that shrieking baby, it was relatively quiet and peaceful. not a lot of action that easter weekend. yeh-yeh and tutu brought the boys friday afternoon to see the baby. they were happy with their star wars candy and their pokeman exploding ball toys from baby. the boys, especially dylan were very sweet with the baby. zach and hendrick came by as well. mom and dad were driving up saturday.
it was definitely a party on saturday, with the fong, bartos, and the young clans all in my recovery room. it was supposedly the best/largest room on the floor - with another real hospital bed for brian and room for all my guests. dr k mentioned that his son's wife recovered in this room. baby didn't mind being passed around and held by all his relatives, and really only fussed when hungry.
we did send him to the nursery at night, and they brought him in to nurse and to give me my meds. brian also ran out to pick up the push/c-section gift - a beautiful, emerald diamond estate ring from Langs. this ring looks as if my engagement ring and evan's ring got together and had a ring baby - this would be it.
on easter sunday, one of the nurses knitted austin a cap with bunny ears - it was so sweet. the boys came over in the morning, so that we could do our photoshoot, which is a new service that cpmc was offering. the boys were sweet,and austin was wrapped in his fancy new burberry blanket - which he subsequently peed on, and has gone through 2 dry-cleaning cycles (and the stains still are not out yet). i'm still annoyed that i didn't get the newborn hands and feet photos...but i need to live in the present and not live with the burden of regret... the boys came by later in the afternoon and we did a little easter egg hunt in our room. mom and dad also came up again, and the boys went home with them, since they had their normal school routine, as did brian on monday. We had our steak dinner on sunday night, which was pretty good, and i took a few laps around the hospital. pain management was fine...i just didn't poop yet.
i don't know how many prune juices, coffee, milk of magnesia i had at the hospital - but still no poop. they wanted to give me a suppository - but i still chickened out. it was strange to be alone in the hospital, with the baby - and no family around. it was lonely. it seemed like a lot of responsibility to be the one to confirm the name and confirm all of our information for the official documentation. Dr. k was the closed thing to family that came to visit me monday morning. austin's circumcision was done, my tdap shots were given, his hearing tests were fine, he had stopped losing weight, and he was still a little jaundice, but ok to go home. i had to switch rooms in the afternoon, which was kind of nuisance, making sure that i had packed everything up and move to a different floor. i was only there for about 2 hours...but it was very cramped, not that i needed much room to lie there and use the restroom. we left around 7:30pm...to start life with the newest member of our family! still no poop.
i think the first night is really driven off of the adrenaline of having a newborn baby. austin (who wasn't named yet) was very mild mannered, unlike the baby next door/across the hall who was wailing all the time. we weren't sure if they had twins or not, because it didn't seem possible that 1 baby could cry that much, for so long. those poor parents...i would be concerned that there was something physically wrong with the baby. the father was like a zombie - walking through the halls, pushing the cart with the crying baby in it. brian saw him passed out in one of the open rooms on the floor.
besides that shrieking baby, it was relatively quiet and peaceful. not a lot of action that easter weekend. yeh-yeh and tutu brought the boys friday afternoon to see the baby. they were happy with their star wars candy and their pokeman exploding ball toys from baby. the boys, especially dylan were very sweet with the baby. zach and hendrick came by as well. mom and dad were driving up saturday.
it was definitely a party on saturday, with the fong, bartos, and the young clans all in my recovery room. it was supposedly the best/largest room on the floor - with another real hospital bed for brian and room for all my guests. dr k mentioned that his son's wife recovered in this room. baby didn't mind being passed around and held by all his relatives, and really only fussed when hungry.
we did send him to the nursery at night, and they brought him in to nurse and to give me my meds. brian also ran out to pick up the push/c-section gift - a beautiful, emerald diamond estate ring from Langs. this ring looks as if my engagement ring and evan's ring got together and had a ring baby - this would be it.
on easter sunday, one of the nurses knitted austin a cap with bunny ears - it was so sweet. the boys came over in the morning, so that we could do our photoshoot, which is a new service that cpmc was offering. the boys were sweet,and austin was wrapped in his fancy new burberry blanket - which he subsequently peed on, and has gone through 2 dry-cleaning cycles (and the stains still are not out yet). i'm still annoyed that i didn't get the newborn hands and feet photos...but i need to live in the present and not live with the burden of regret... the boys came by later in the afternoon and we did a little easter egg hunt in our room. mom and dad also came up again, and the boys went home with them, since they had their normal school routine, as did brian on monday. We had our steak dinner on sunday night, which was pretty good, and i took a few laps around the hospital. pain management was fine...i just didn't poop yet.
i don't know how many prune juices, coffee, milk of magnesia i had at the hospital - but still no poop. they wanted to give me a suppository - but i still chickened out. it was strange to be alone in the hospital, with the baby - and no family around. it was lonely. it seemed like a lot of responsibility to be the one to confirm the name and confirm all of our information for the official documentation. Dr. k was the closed thing to family that came to visit me monday morning. austin's circumcision was done, my tdap shots were given, his hearing tests were fine, he had stopped losing weight, and he was still a little jaundice, but ok to go home. i had to switch rooms in the afternoon, which was kind of nuisance, making sure that i had packed everything up and move to a different floor. i was only there for about 2 hours...but it was very cramped, not that i needed much room to lie there and use the restroom. we left around 7:30pm...to start life with the newest member of our family! still no poop.
just have to start
tomorrow is my 6 weeks postpartum appointment. how and when did that happen? i printed out the best cerclage picture from belinda, dylan made a thank you card that says "thank you for baby" with a cut out heart and a picture of a baby that he drew. on the back of the card was a poem i wrote this past week:
Stitch
A stitch is a bond.
Innocuous and plain.
Joining the impossible with the possible.
Defying nature and her vein.
A stitch to give us hope,
To string a family together.
To make us whole, even when
One lives in our hearts forever.
A stitch that gives us love,
Bursting at its seams.
Contracting reality,
With what was once just a dream.
A stitch by any other name,
Would not be the same.
Because when his stitch ends,
Is the moment when life begins...
i guess because the firs few weeks of newborn haze was really a haze, in which the days and nights all blended together and time was marked by when austin wanted to nurse and my throbbing nipples. So I would probably start with the delivery day and my stay at chez CPMC
April 14th
With my c-section scheduled for 12:15 - we had time to drop the boys off in foster city and take a few photos. belinda was going to meet us at the hospital at 11:30. it was a bit unnerving, this time somewhat knowing what to expect, still not knowing the gender of the baby, and not knowing how difficult the recovery would be. i wore my new musubi, cherry-blossom scarf and off we went to the hospital. once again, i was nervous about the IV and the nurse was able to get the needle in, but something had popped off and i felt this big gush of warmth (BLOOD) over my left hand. of course my eyes were closed, and belinda and brian told me to keep my eyes shut, which did not help with my anxiety, but they had to change the pad, wipe the floors, since almost a pint of blood squirted out from the puncture. this was NOT the way i wanted to start my day.
we had belinda join us this time. i did want her to capture the exact moment when the baby was out, and when brian could see the gender. i wanted to see the look of shock, awe and love captured in the photograph, since i wasn't quite able to see much from my vantage point. just like i had remembered, i hated getting the spinal. there's something so terrifying about something paralyzing you from neck down, and the small margin of error that makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable. i could NEVER be an anesthesiologist. and this time i was so antsy, and skittish - with my head constantly rotating to the left and right. there were not many options for me to release my anxiety. there's definitely that "get me outta here" sense when you're on the table so vulnerable, cut open and exposed.
i'm not sure exactly how i felt when i was told that it was a boy. i'm not sure who even said it first - i believe it was brian. your first instinct is if the baby is ok, was he/she healthy - is the baby crying. although i had always thought i would have a girl, there was a part of me that most likely thought that the baby would be a boy. so i don't i was super surprised at the outcome, although I carried so differently this time. brian said that i was less wide, the line down my belly was very faint - and clearly the gestational diabetes was also a new nuance as well. Well, c'est la vie. i had another beautiful fong boy.
he was so small, had near perfect, if not perfect apgar score and brian went with him to the nursery and belinda stayed with me. that's when it got real. the procedure this time took so much longer, with dr katz removing the cerclage, taking time for some photo ops with his work (belinda was brave enough to take pictures), and also removing the keloid and closing me up differently than with evan. again, the feeling of "get me outta here" was the pervasive feeling. they wheeled me into recovery and then brought the baby over (still nameless at this point, the reality of having another boy was still sinking in (it is still sinking in). it's amazing how you put a newborn on your chest and how by instinct it just moves over to your nipple for milk. speaking of which - it's time for me to be a cow now. T.B.C.
Stitch
A stitch is a bond.
Innocuous and plain.
Joining the impossible with the possible.
Defying nature and her vein.
A stitch to give us hope,
To string a family together.
To make us whole, even when
One lives in our hearts forever.
A stitch that gives us love,
Bursting at its seams.
Contracting reality,
With what was once just a dream.
A stitch by any other name,
Would not be the same.
Because when his stitch ends,
Is the moment when life begins...
i guess because the firs few weeks of newborn haze was really a haze, in which the days and nights all blended together and time was marked by when austin wanted to nurse and my throbbing nipples. So I would probably start with the delivery day and my stay at chez CPMC
April 14th
With my c-section scheduled for 12:15 - we had time to drop the boys off in foster city and take a few photos. belinda was going to meet us at the hospital at 11:30. it was a bit unnerving, this time somewhat knowing what to expect, still not knowing the gender of the baby, and not knowing how difficult the recovery would be. i wore my new musubi, cherry-blossom scarf and off we went to the hospital. once again, i was nervous about the IV and the nurse was able to get the needle in, but something had popped off and i felt this big gush of warmth (BLOOD) over my left hand. of course my eyes were closed, and belinda and brian told me to keep my eyes shut, which did not help with my anxiety, but they had to change the pad, wipe the floors, since almost a pint of blood squirted out from the puncture. this was NOT the way i wanted to start my day.
we had belinda join us this time. i did want her to capture the exact moment when the baby was out, and when brian could see the gender. i wanted to see the look of shock, awe and love captured in the photograph, since i wasn't quite able to see much from my vantage point. just like i had remembered, i hated getting the spinal. there's something so terrifying about something paralyzing you from neck down, and the small margin of error that makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable. i could NEVER be an anesthesiologist. and this time i was so antsy, and skittish - with my head constantly rotating to the left and right. there were not many options for me to release my anxiety. there's definitely that "get me outta here" sense when you're on the table so vulnerable, cut open and exposed.
i'm not sure exactly how i felt when i was told that it was a boy. i'm not sure who even said it first - i believe it was brian. your first instinct is if the baby is ok, was he/she healthy - is the baby crying. although i had always thought i would have a girl, there was a part of me that most likely thought that the baby would be a boy. so i don't i was super surprised at the outcome, although I carried so differently this time. brian said that i was less wide, the line down my belly was very faint - and clearly the gestational diabetes was also a new nuance as well. Well, c'est la vie. i had another beautiful fong boy.
he was so small, had near perfect, if not perfect apgar score and brian went with him to the nursery and belinda stayed with me. that's when it got real. the procedure this time took so much longer, with dr katz removing the cerclage, taking time for some photo ops with his work (belinda was brave enough to take pictures), and also removing the keloid and closing me up differently than with evan. again, the feeling of "get me outta here" was the pervasive feeling. they wheeled me into recovery and then brought the baby over (still nameless at this point, the reality of having another boy was still sinking in (it is still sinking in). it's amazing how you put a newborn on your chest and how by instinct it just moves over to your nipple for milk. speaking of which - it's time for me to be a cow now. T.B.C.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
transitions
2016 and 2017 have been big years of transition for the fongs. evan started pre-school, dylan started los lomitas, brian bought bonsai restaurant to relocate the practice and we got pregnant again. i can't even imagine what the rest of this year will be like. i guess that's what concerns me...knowing what little control i have over anything, yet not quite laissez-faire and cavalier about it.
it's always during musubi's birthday that there's that time for reflection, and dreams and promises to be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, person, etc. brian and i talk about our retirement, our dream house in carmel and our appts in new york and sf. for whatever reason - this change with this baby is making me really anxious. I feel like with the other boys - there was the element of ignorance is bliss. I didn't realize how difficult recovery from the c-section would be, how the constipation would make me cry, sweat and require manual expulsion. how this wrinkle - formally known as my breasts would give me more body image issues, along with my stomach which looked like an elephant's anus, or sometimes nut sack when I'm in a plank position. i question my state of mind, my ability to balance, or fake balance work/life/family and my own self image after this pregnancy. i know nothing will be the same - it would never be...but as to what it will be like? that does concern me. already having issues with low energy, anger and depression with the gestational diabetes, i have concerns that this will bleed over into a higher risk with postpartum depression.
if i'm honest - i'm very stoic right now. keeping it somewhat together. not very verbal/communicative when brian asks me what's wrong. i don't feel joyful and i suppose whatever excitement i should be feeling is cancelled out by the anxiety of the surgery, the future and how hard it is to have healthy babies. last night and tonight i spent time with musubi, hoping that he will take care of us and give me strength. he was such a little guy, yet has permanently changed me. i remind myself that my life, and this baby's life is out of my hands...and that i have the best doctor in the world, and whatever happens, happens. I still believe that I've already paid my dues and the universe owes me. I remind myself that the newborn phase is my favorite phase and that i need to, that i want to cherish every second i have with all my children, because they really do grow up way too fast.
life is a gift. i know this. positivity is a mindset. i know this. but how does knowing this correlate to having control over my body and ultimately my mindset? i can only do my best and forgive myself if I'm not happy with the outcome. right? tonight i hope to get some decent rest, and tomorrow morning take one of my last leisurely showers, because starting tomorrow - it will all be about you baby.
baby - you are doing summersaults in my belly right now. it must be getting tight and uncomfortable in there. tomorrow you'll have all the world to explore and conquer, along with your brothers. until then.
it's always during musubi's birthday that there's that time for reflection, and dreams and promises to be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, person, etc. brian and i talk about our retirement, our dream house in carmel and our appts in new york and sf. for whatever reason - this change with this baby is making me really anxious. I feel like with the other boys - there was the element of ignorance is bliss. I didn't realize how difficult recovery from the c-section would be, how the constipation would make me cry, sweat and require manual expulsion. how this wrinkle - formally known as my breasts would give me more body image issues, along with my stomach which looked like an elephant's anus, or sometimes nut sack when I'm in a plank position. i question my state of mind, my ability to balance, or fake balance work/life/family and my own self image after this pregnancy. i know nothing will be the same - it would never be...but as to what it will be like? that does concern me. already having issues with low energy, anger and depression with the gestational diabetes, i have concerns that this will bleed over into a higher risk with postpartum depression.
if i'm honest - i'm very stoic right now. keeping it somewhat together. not very verbal/communicative when brian asks me what's wrong. i don't feel joyful and i suppose whatever excitement i should be feeling is cancelled out by the anxiety of the surgery, the future and how hard it is to have healthy babies. last night and tonight i spent time with musubi, hoping that he will take care of us and give me strength. he was such a little guy, yet has permanently changed me. i remind myself that my life, and this baby's life is out of my hands...and that i have the best doctor in the world, and whatever happens, happens. I still believe that I've already paid my dues and the universe owes me. I remind myself that the newborn phase is my favorite phase and that i need to, that i want to cherish every second i have with all my children, because they really do grow up way too fast.
life is a gift. i know this. positivity is a mindset. i know this. but how does knowing this correlate to having control over my body and ultimately my mindset? i can only do my best and forgive myself if I'm not happy with the outcome. right? tonight i hope to get some decent rest, and tomorrow morning take one of my last leisurely showers, because starting tomorrow - it will all be about you baby.
baby - you are doing summersaults in my belly right now. it must be getting tight and uncomfortable in there. tomorrow you'll have all the world to explore and conquer, along with your brothers. until then.
the dab master
for whatever reason, dylan will bust out with his dab dance moves - his go to move for all occasions. I'm very grateful that both boys are generally pretty happy boys, although dylan tends to be more sensitive than evan. Not sure if i should be happy that he expresses himself so freely, which is a positive way of saying that often he's a complainer. He often talks about having a bad day... which is tough because sometimes i feel like he's inherited some of my "why do these things only happen to me syndrome." this past weekend, when we were up in st helena celebrating musubi's birthday, having a nice lunch ... and he was complaining that he trying his best to give me a nice smile (which was not a sincere smile). I wanted to send him to gratitude camp. These boys have no idea how fortunate they are, as they slurp down oysters with reckless abandon, and how hard brian and i work to provide opportunities for them. dylan is in part time chinese school, started piano lessons when he was four, has had dance lessons, tennis lessons, t-ball, soccer lessons, kindergym and swimming. he's had more exposure to activities than i ever had, and he's only 5. granted i'm guilty of over-scheduling...but if we can provide exposure to activities and he likes something (and is hopefully good at it), then i consider it a good thing.
as sensitive as dylan is - he is the sweetest, giving me hugs, kissing my pregnant belly, making cards for me and baba, and also for musubi's bday - sharing his story with strangers during our st helena weekend. it's hard for me to believe that he's old enough, and his reading is proficient enough to have read the "i'm a big brother now" book to brian tonight as his last book. He really has progressed well in kindergarten and developing a social life with his buddies in his class. sitting still, paying attention, listening - are still growth opportunities for him, but overall he's been doing very well. i wonder if he remembers evan being born. I wonder if evan will remember this baby being born.
dylan kind of has limited body awareness - like he's all limbs and i don't think he realizes when he elbows or steps on me. im guilty of not witnessing any of his tennis or soccer lessons, but do believe brian when he says that dylan is pretty coordinated, which obviously comes from his gene pool, but i still wind up getting hurt all the time.
i do love that he seems to have a love for music. he has an amazing way of singing the wrong lyrics for songs, and i do have concerns about some of his musical taste. he's been a fan of bruno mars, and drake (fake love) and katy perry. but he's my boy - since he also really likes ed sheeran. still on the fence about if i should go to the concert in socal and take him for his birthday. i did work really hard to get all those tickets.
what's difficult is me feigning interest in pokeman. I just can't get into the game or the characters and he loves his cards, and the characters and the stories. perhaps i have just lost that part of my imagination. i'll blame my pregnancy brain and shortened attention span.
both boys love to travel, they love hawaii (again who doesn't), have really started to interact and have a relationship that is really like a radical social experiment to witness. i still can't believe that i have 2 boys...and potentially another one on the way.
as sensitive as dylan is - he is the sweetest, giving me hugs, kissing my pregnant belly, making cards for me and baba, and also for musubi's bday - sharing his story with strangers during our st helena weekend. it's hard for me to believe that he's old enough, and his reading is proficient enough to have read the "i'm a big brother now" book to brian tonight as his last book. He really has progressed well in kindergarten and developing a social life with his buddies in his class. sitting still, paying attention, listening - are still growth opportunities for him, but overall he's been doing very well. i wonder if he remembers evan being born. I wonder if evan will remember this baby being born.
dylan kind of has limited body awareness - like he's all limbs and i don't think he realizes when he elbows or steps on me. im guilty of not witnessing any of his tennis or soccer lessons, but do believe brian when he says that dylan is pretty coordinated, which obviously comes from his gene pool, but i still wind up getting hurt all the time.
i do love that he seems to have a love for music. he has an amazing way of singing the wrong lyrics for songs, and i do have concerns about some of his musical taste. he's been a fan of bruno mars, and drake (fake love) and katy perry. but he's my boy - since he also really likes ed sheeran. still on the fence about if i should go to the concert in socal and take him for his birthday. i did work really hard to get all those tickets.
what's difficult is me feigning interest in pokeman. I just can't get into the game or the characters and he loves his cards, and the characters and the stories. perhaps i have just lost that part of my imagination. i'll blame my pregnancy brain and shortened attention span.
both boys love to travel, they love hawaii (again who doesn't), have really started to interact and have a relationship that is really like a radical social experiment to witness. i still can't believe that i have 2 boys...and potentially another one on the way.
mr. "yeah buts"
and then there's little evs, who will soon transition from being out baby to being a big brother. he transitioned quickly from being a silent, stealthy, mischievous toddler, to a quite loud and verbal, mischievous little boy. i am more surprised with the things that have come out of this mouth.
In no particular order:
-i don't like bruno mars. His last name is like the planet mars and I like saturn
-first of all .... (arm gesture), second of all... (arm gesture),and that's all I have to say about that
-yeh yeh "so that the stuff you use to clean your hands." evan "you mean hand sanitizer?"
-"baba, i like you so, so, so, so much. you are the best baba in the world."
-"mama, i like you so, so, so, so much. you are the best mama in the world."
he's quite the dancer (although dylan's dance moves include doing the dab, followed by the splits, and sometimes the cha, cha, cha). evan will do his martial arts/ninja moves with the most serious fighter game face to "nija music" supplied by ok google. i've been careful to not be so gender biased with the boys, and for whatever reason evan just gravitates to light sabers, pirates, guns/cannons, darth vader, darth maul (i don't even know who that is), nijas/ninjago, etc. very boy, a little disturbingly dark (which i'm hoping is just a short phase that he'll outgrow). from an activities standpoint, he loves kindergym, still is overconfident with his swimming, just started guitar lessons last week, and will start soccer next week. We'll see how long those activities can be sustained. he did start cornerstone full time last fall - but just the am session. He seems to be transitioning well, and wants to have play dates with his buddies in his class. similar to dylan, he was pretty dominant in the last easter performance. im pretty proud about that.
he's always in motion, very independent, full of joy, and "yeah buts", has an incredible sweet tooth and excuses for just about anything. he still comes in and snuggles in the morning, until he hears dylan or if brian decides to go downstairs. he definitely has serious #FOMO (fear of missing out) issues. i know i'll miss it when he comes into our room to "bao bao shuei jiao" but also concerned that our CA king size bed is too small for our expanding family. I've been trying to protect myself and baby in bed at night when the boys are jumping around. it will be a totally different scenario when this baby is out!
In no particular order:
-i don't like bruno mars. His last name is like the planet mars and I like saturn
-first of all .... (arm gesture), second of all... (arm gesture),and that's all I have to say about that
-yeh yeh "so that the stuff you use to clean your hands." evan "you mean hand sanitizer?"
-"baba, i like you so, so, so, so much. you are the best baba in the world."
-"mama, i like you so, so, so, so much. you are the best mama in the world."
he's quite the dancer (although dylan's dance moves include doing the dab, followed by the splits, and sometimes the cha, cha, cha). evan will do his martial arts/ninja moves with the most serious fighter game face to "nija music" supplied by ok google. i've been careful to not be so gender biased with the boys, and for whatever reason evan just gravitates to light sabers, pirates, guns/cannons, darth vader, darth maul (i don't even know who that is), nijas/ninjago, etc. very boy, a little disturbingly dark (which i'm hoping is just a short phase that he'll outgrow). from an activities standpoint, he loves kindergym, still is overconfident with his swimming, just started guitar lessons last week, and will start soccer next week. We'll see how long those activities can be sustained. he did start cornerstone full time last fall - but just the am session. He seems to be transitioning well, and wants to have play dates with his buddies in his class. similar to dylan, he was pretty dominant in the last easter performance. im pretty proud about that.
he's always in motion, very independent, full of joy, and "yeah buts", has an incredible sweet tooth and excuses for just about anything. he still comes in and snuggles in the morning, until he hears dylan or if brian decides to go downstairs. he definitely has serious #FOMO (fear of missing out) issues. i know i'll miss it when he comes into our room to "bao bao shuei jiao" but also concerned that our CA king size bed is too small for our expanding family. I've been trying to protect myself and baby in bed at night when the boys are jumping around. it will be a totally different scenario when this baby is out!
starting with the youngest
so little one, it's the day before your birthday and it will be on good friday, easter weekend this year. What a surprise. I was hoping that you could come as originally scheduled for next wed 4/19, but as you know...i barely have any control over anything anymore, not that i ever did.
i think at best - i'm trying to remain calm and neutral. if i think about it too much, i'll get overwhelmed, anxious and too emotional to be productive. and for whatever reason, am feeling the need to be productive since we didn't get much down down prior to your birth.
i stopped working last wed, a day earlier than anticipated. again - could've, would've, should've taken more time off. thought that it would still be best to try to set the team up for success, with diana being relatively new to my team and erin still relatively new as well. it was my last professional push to get promoted before you came, knowing that i would have even less to give with a newborn in our lives. so i guess i did it. VP before 40 (barely). wanted to celebrate with another piece of jewelry (pink and chameleon diamond ring) and the prada vela messenger bag, which I should have bought in italy, but haven't pulled the trigger on either. interesting that puo-puo asked if i would go back to work. i still feel like i should ride out the 4 year vesting for my initial sign on bonus and that getting a few years of brand creative/tv, and seeing how the pdt will evolve and relaunch will be good for my career, if i were to stop working full time and consult on the side. Still fantasizing about taking jewelry classes at the academy of art, which i could potentially do if i were to help our brian with the new medical billing...
enough about me, back to you.
i still remember vividly when i found out that i was pregnant with you. I was on a hanover market research call, packing for our 11th year anniversary trip to chicago. I had randomly picked up a pregnancy test from walgreens the day before, since i had just gotten off the pill a few months ago, and my periods were irregular and i was stressed from work and traveling. I couldn't believe how quickly the + sign showed up the test, which i proceeded to drop in B's dopp kit. I freaked out. I got off the phone and called Brian who asked if i was sure and wanted me to take the other test. Why bother - it was + in a nano-second. of course i had to tell noel, since they were joining us on the chicago trip, and i could drink and had dietary restrictions at Alinea... crazy. that was a pretty brilliant adele concert that led us down this path. so from the end of july through our anniversary - i had no idea that i was pregnant. you were able to try some wine from jen turri's wedding, some oysters, etc.
i was pretty nauseated with you well into my second trimester. In fact, i volunteered last minute in Dylan's class during this valentine's day party, and picked up the stomach flu, and right after I finished puking my guts out for 3 days, i found out that i had gestational diabetes. Let me tell you that I DO NOT respond well to people telling me what I can and can't eat. that was/is pretty miserable. i had trouble with my fasting blood sugar levels. it would be such a downer to eat what you don't even want to eat, and be over your blood sugar level, and/or wake up to high levels which would set such a negative tone for the rest of the day for me. Again, goes back to a control thing for me. I do have to apologize though. I couldn't stomach giving myself insulin shots. I could barely do the finger pricks to draw blood for the tests, to which i bought myself several rings to adorn my punctured fingers. I ended being on metformin medication which seemed to help. so far I've gained less than 40 lbs in this pregnancy...which i suppose is the only silver lining during this ordeal. besides being pretty exhausted, layering on hunger, low energy and depression from the GB - this pregnancy has been difficult in many different ways.
I seem to be carrying differently. b says that i don't really look pregnant from the back, and that i'm less wide this time, and protruding out so much more. I also don't have that dramatic of a line down my stomach like i did with the other boys. we'll see what happens. i think i have 18 girl A names, and only 2 viable boy names. It is what it is...and just want a healthy, happy baby.
see you in about 25 hours!
i think at best - i'm trying to remain calm and neutral. if i think about it too much, i'll get overwhelmed, anxious and too emotional to be productive. and for whatever reason, am feeling the need to be productive since we didn't get much down down prior to your birth.
i stopped working last wed, a day earlier than anticipated. again - could've, would've, should've taken more time off. thought that it would still be best to try to set the team up for success, with diana being relatively new to my team and erin still relatively new as well. it was my last professional push to get promoted before you came, knowing that i would have even less to give with a newborn in our lives. so i guess i did it. VP before 40 (barely). wanted to celebrate with another piece of jewelry (pink and chameleon diamond ring) and the prada vela messenger bag, which I should have bought in italy, but haven't pulled the trigger on either. interesting that puo-puo asked if i would go back to work. i still feel like i should ride out the 4 year vesting for my initial sign on bonus and that getting a few years of brand creative/tv, and seeing how the pdt will evolve and relaunch will be good for my career, if i were to stop working full time and consult on the side. Still fantasizing about taking jewelry classes at the academy of art, which i could potentially do if i were to help our brian with the new medical billing...
enough about me, back to you.
i still remember vividly when i found out that i was pregnant with you. I was on a hanover market research call, packing for our 11th year anniversary trip to chicago. I had randomly picked up a pregnancy test from walgreens the day before, since i had just gotten off the pill a few months ago, and my periods were irregular and i was stressed from work and traveling. I couldn't believe how quickly the + sign showed up the test, which i proceeded to drop in B's dopp kit. I freaked out. I got off the phone and called Brian who asked if i was sure and wanted me to take the other test. Why bother - it was + in a nano-second. of course i had to tell noel, since they were joining us on the chicago trip, and i could drink and had dietary restrictions at Alinea... crazy. that was a pretty brilliant adele concert that led us down this path. so from the end of july through our anniversary - i had no idea that i was pregnant. you were able to try some wine from jen turri's wedding, some oysters, etc.
i was pretty nauseated with you well into my second trimester. In fact, i volunteered last minute in Dylan's class during this valentine's day party, and picked up the stomach flu, and right after I finished puking my guts out for 3 days, i found out that i had gestational diabetes. Let me tell you that I DO NOT respond well to people telling me what I can and can't eat. that was/is pretty miserable. i had trouble with my fasting blood sugar levels. it would be such a downer to eat what you don't even want to eat, and be over your blood sugar level, and/or wake up to high levels which would set such a negative tone for the rest of the day for me. Again, goes back to a control thing for me. I do have to apologize though. I couldn't stomach giving myself insulin shots. I could barely do the finger pricks to draw blood for the tests, to which i bought myself several rings to adorn my punctured fingers. I ended being on metformin medication which seemed to help. so far I've gained less than 40 lbs in this pregnancy...which i suppose is the only silver lining during this ordeal. besides being pretty exhausted, layering on hunger, low energy and depression from the GB - this pregnancy has been difficult in many different ways.
I seem to be carrying differently. b says that i don't really look pregnant from the back, and that i'm less wide this time, and protruding out so much more. I also don't have that dramatic of a line down my stomach like i did with the other boys. we'll see what happens. i think i have 18 girl A names, and only 2 viable boy names. It is what it is...and just want a healthy, happy baby.
see you in about 25 hours!
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
don't know where to start
i guess it's not a great sentiment that i'm starting off annoyed. for whatever reason, that has been a dominant emotion, tied to "why does this type of sh*t" only happen to me and how come in spite of my efforts to function as a normal person, things don't go smoothly.
Short list of annoyances for the week:
-Peggy from Dr. Katz not being able to submit my claim online and needing the paper form version
-Marsha from care.com not being helpful at all with my leave process, and directing me to the brochure that she scanned over to me
-Brian ordering food from tender greens and door dash/tender greens getting my order wrong (just my order, mind you. everyone else's order was fine)
-Peggy telling me that my c-section for next wed the 19th was already cancelled and that I'm only on the books for this friday
-Having fasting blood sugar levels still in the 90s during this week
-Not having enough dedicated time with the boys this week during their spring break
-The house being in a perpetual state of disarray and disorganization; falling asleep at night when i have a list of things that i feel like i need to do/finish, and me being terribly clumsy and dropping half the items i intend to put away/clean up
I supposed this is related to me not having a sense of control over my life and also being related to not feeling like i have much control over the big change of having this next baby on friday. If i can't even control the little things, how am i able to control the big things? well, i guess i just can't. and does this mean that i should stop trying? my life if anything has been about effort and discipline.
If i were to change my mindset - i should have started this post with thoughts of gratitude. so to balance things out, here my short list of what i'm grateful for:
-we were able to celebrate musubi's birthday in st. helena this year, and brian booked me an amazing spa treatment at meadowood
-dylan made the sweetest card for musubi for his birthday and shared his story with various shop owners/workers downtown
-my parents are going to drive up this weekend, so dad is coming too to meet baby
-evan making his serious face, doing his martial dance to ninja music
-dylan making good progress with his piano lessons
-the boys being pretty sweet with baby, singing songs, touching and kissing my belly
just met Anton's parents when i dropped off dylan at one of his few playdates at someone else's house. they have 4 kids and she's in amazing shape and looks so young. I'm feeling old, unprepared, unsure about the sterilization procedure during the c-section, but to end on a positive note - still grateful that I'm pregnant.
Short list of annoyances for the week:
-Peggy from Dr. Katz not being able to submit my claim online and needing the paper form version
-Marsha from care.com not being helpful at all with my leave process, and directing me to the brochure that she scanned over to me
-Brian ordering food from tender greens and door dash/tender greens getting my order wrong (just my order, mind you. everyone else's order was fine)
-Peggy telling me that my c-section for next wed the 19th was already cancelled and that I'm only on the books for this friday
-Having fasting blood sugar levels still in the 90s during this week
-Not having enough dedicated time with the boys this week during their spring break
-The house being in a perpetual state of disarray and disorganization; falling asleep at night when i have a list of things that i feel like i need to do/finish, and me being terribly clumsy and dropping half the items i intend to put away/clean up
I supposed this is related to me not having a sense of control over my life and also being related to not feeling like i have much control over the big change of having this next baby on friday. If i can't even control the little things, how am i able to control the big things? well, i guess i just can't. and does this mean that i should stop trying? my life if anything has been about effort and discipline.
If i were to change my mindset - i should have started this post with thoughts of gratitude. so to balance things out, here my short list of what i'm grateful for:
-we were able to celebrate musubi's birthday in st. helena this year, and brian booked me an amazing spa treatment at meadowood
-dylan made the sweetest card for musubi for his birthday and shared his story with various shop owners/workers downtown
-my parents are going to drive up this weekend, so dad is coming too to meet baby
-evan making his serious face, doing his martial dance to ninja music
-dylan making good progress with his piano lessons
-the boys being pretty sweet with baby, singing songs, touching and kissing my belly
just met Anton's parents when i dropped off dylan at one of his few playdates at someone else's house. they have 4 kids and she's in amazing shape and looks so young. I'm feeling old, unprepared, unsure about the sterilization procedure during the c-section, but to end on a positive note - still grateful that I'm pregnant.
don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it's happened - 9/2015
THIS WAS REALLY WRITTEN IN SEPTEMBER 2015 (but was saved as a draft)
it's the last day of summer. 45 min left in fact before the clock strikes midnight and the next chapter of my life begins. I'm waiting for the dryer to finish, so that i can fish out my new martha's vineyard t-shirt to wear on my business trip, day 1 of employment and look back at this year and also twist my neck around to look ahead. This will be short because i do want to turn off my electronic devices at least 45 min before i go to bed, and that "the first 90 days" is causing me some mild anxiety.
what of year of highs and lows. not sure if i should go back to front, or front to back. probably like most things, front to back is probably more prudent. and to rely on my memory is a gamble so i should probably start with the beginning of the year. the boys were/are great, evs cuter than ever.
Highlights include:
-dylan's chinese new year performance at cornerstone - he left it all on stage
-family trip with my parents to taiwan
-standing up for myself and negotiating a nice package from Sephora
-amazing opportunity to have "funemployment" summer with 2 part-time consulting job
-opportunity to meet new and interesting people and learn what other options are out there
-my eat/pray/love trips: new york, socal and martha's vineyard.
-dylan's boathouse 4th bday party with family (he told me on our walk to the lighthouse that this was the best vacation ever and asked me if next year we could take him to hawaii)
-having the opportunity to watch evs figure out out how to open the kitchen trash and throw this capri sun away
-dylan's musicality - he will sing his own lyrics to songs, and also tends to remember the inappropriate lyrics the best (elie goulding - "touch me like you do..."; selena gomez - "i just want to look good for ya, good for ya, uh-ahh". the current leaders are taylor swift "wildest dreams" and "i cant feel my face" song by the weekend.
-evs just today, getting in the groove with "fishes in the ocean, fishes in the sea" song in swimming class. he will also spontaneously burst into song...most recently it's the "bye-bye song" from swimming lessons.
-both boys love kindergym, singing, dancing, ice cream, chocolate, gummy candy, lollipops.
-dylan - an oyster connoisseur and evan trying his first oyster in martha's vineyard
-both boys making it down the aisle at steve and winnie's wedding (and how cute they looked in their hats)
-the look on evan's face when he caught his first fish at martha's vineyard
-evs asking if he could take the whale home from the aquarium of the pacific
-dylan really pretty interested in space and the solar system
Lowlights include:
-ridiculous performance review rating (although I never saw/read what was written - if there was anything at all)
-the angst of trying to make it work at Sephora and trying to figure out what I want to do next (and b saying that we would need to sell the house this summer)
-flying down with the boys myself with 2 hour delays and evan throwing up 3 times, and no stroller and extra change of clothes for me
-dylan having different musical tastes than me (it all started with him liking that omi cheerleader song)
-boys starting to get physical with each other
-still not being able to help out with the practice marketing like i have always intended to do
-the wrinkle in time, AKA the 2 entities formally known as my boobs
-lame - but almost crying when we missed the first showing at the griffith observatory down in LA
that's it for me for tonight. happy summer - one of the best ever.
it's the last day of summer. 45 min left in fact before the clock strikes midnight and the next chapter of my life begins. I'm waiting for the dryer to finish, so that i can fish out my new martha's vineyard t-shirt to wear on my business trip, day 1 of employment and look back at this year and also twist my neck around to look ahead. This will be short because i do want to turn off my electronic devices at least 45 min before i go to bed, and that "the first 90 days" is causing me some mild anxiety.
what of year of highs and lows. not sure if i should go back to front, or front to back. probably like most things, front to back is probably more prudent. and to rely on my memory is a gamble so i should probably start with the beginning of the year. the boys were/are great, evs cuter than ever.
Highlights include:
-dylan's chinese new year performance at cornerstone - he left it all on stage
-family trip with my parents to taiwan
-standing up for myself and negotiating a nice package from Sephora
-amazing opportunity to have "funemployment" summer with 2 part-time consulting job
-opportunity to meet new and interesting people and learn what other options are out there
-my eat/pray/love trips: new york, socal and martha's vineyard.
-dylan's boathouse 4th bday party with family (he told me on our walk to the lighthouse that this was the best vacation ever and asked me if next year we could take him to hawaii)
-having the opportunity to watch evs figure out out how to open the kitchen trash and throw this capri sun away
-dylan's musicality - he will sing his own lyrics to songs, and also tends to remember the inappropriate lyrics the best (elie goulding - "touch me like you do..."; selena gomez - "i just want to look good for ya, good for ya, uh-ahh". the current leaders are taylor swift "wildest dreams" and "i cant feel my face" song by the weekend.
-evs just today, getting in the groove with "fishes in the ocean, fishes in the sea" song in swimming class. he will also spontaneously burst into song...most recently it's the "bye-bye song" from swimming lessons.
-both boys love kindergym, singing, dancing, ice cream, chocolate, gummy candy, lollipops.
-dylan - an oyster connoisseur and evan trying his first oyster in martha's vineyard
-both boys making it down the aisle at steve and winnie's wedding (and how cute they looked in their hats)
-the look on evan's face when he caught his first fish at martha's vineyard
-evs asking if he could take the whale home from the aquarium of the pacific
-dylan really pretty interested in space and the solar system
Lowlights include:
-ridiculous performance review rating (although I never saw/read what was written - if there was anything at all)
-the angst of trying to make it work at Sephora and trying to figure out what I want to do next (and b saying that we would need to sell the house this summer)
-flying down with the boys myself with 2 hour delays and evan throwing up 3 times, and no stroller and extra change of clothes for me
-dylan having different musical tastes than me (it all started with him liking that omi cheerleader song)
-boys starting to get physical with each other
-still not being able to help out with the practice marketing like i have always intended to do
-the wrinkle in time, AKA the 2 entities formally known as my boobs
-lame - but almost crying when we missed the first showing at the griffith observatory down in LA
that's it for me for tonight. happy summer - one of the best ever.
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