there's been this cloud...over my maternity leave. this impending sense that my magical summer, my magical maternity will end soon, and life as i know it will change dramatically again. you would think that i would have evolved and am more mature about dealing with change, and shockingly Im still very emotionally dramatic about it. I wince at the thought of a new routine, and as much as i remind myself about the positives and focus on gratitude, all i want to do is stare at austin, snuggle, and go on play dates with evan and hang out with dylan. I'm hoping that this anticipation is the worst part. that it will be not that big of a deal.
mind over matter.
live in the present.
be grateful.
accept the feelings that i have, but don't let them hold me back or negatively impact my life
eat, pray, love was on TV last night. i watched the majority of the movie - at least the eat, pray parts and the beginning of the love part, but had to go to sleep. i had signed up for soul cycle at 9:30 and didn't want to be a complete dud in the morning, and still wanted to walk dylan to school and save time to pump milk for austin.
feeling guilt - forgiving oneself ---those seem rather counter culture to me. But it's something i want to work on. just like trying to get back into shape. although sometimes I'm conflicted, in the sense that maybe I should just accept who I am and try not to change myself - maybe i'll be more enlightened and happier then.
life is hard.
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