transitions

2016 and 2017 have been big years of transition for the fongs. evan started pre-school, dylan started los lomitas, brian bought bonsai restaurant to relocate the practice and we got pregnant again. i can't even imagine what the rest of this year will be like. i guess that's what concerns me...knowing what little control i have over anything, yet not quite laissez-faire and cavalier about it.

it's always during musubi's birthday that there's that time for reflection, and dreams and promises to be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, person, etc. brian and i talk about our retirement, our dream house in carmel and our appts in new york and sf. for whatever reason - this change with this baby is making me really anxious. I feel like with the other boys - there was the element of ignorance is bliss. I didn't realize how difficult recovery from the c-section would be, how the constipation would make me cry, sweat and require manual expulsion. how this wrinkle - formally known as my breasts would give me more body image issues, along with my stomach which looked like an elephant's anus, or sometimes nut sack when I'm in a plank position. i question my state of mind, my ability to balance, or fake balance work/life/family and my own self image after this pregnancy. i know nothing will be the same - it would never be...but as to what it will be like? that does concern me. already having issues with low energy, anger and depression with the gestational diabetes, i have concerns that this will bleed over into a higher risk with postpartum depression.

if i'm honest - i'm very stoic right now. keeping it somewhat together. not very verbal/communicative when brian asks me what's wrong. i don't feel joyful and i suppose whatever excitement i should be feeling is cancelled out by the anxiety of the surgery, the future and how hard it is to have healthy babies. last night and tonight i spent time with musubi, hoping that he will take care of us and give me strength. he was such a little guy, yet has permanently changed me. i remind myself that my life, and this baby's life is out of my hands...and that i have the best doctor in the world, and whatever happens, happens. I still believe that I've already paid my dues and the universe owes me. I remind myself that the newborn phase is my favorite phase and that i need to, that i want to cherish every second i have with all my children, because they really do grow up way too fast.

life is a gift. i know this. positivity is a mindset. i know this. but how does knowing this correlate to having control over my body and ultimately my mindset? i can only do my best and forgive myself if I'm not happy with the outcome. right? tonight i hope to get some decent rest, and tomorrow morning take one of my last leisurely showers, because starting tomorrow - it will all be about you baby.

baby - you are doing summersaults in my belly right now. it must be getting tight and uncomfortable in there. tomorrow you'll have all the world to explore and conquer, along with your brothers. until then.