the first few weeks

this was hard.

i'm trying to distill what was behind the "hard." there were a couple of things that stood out.
-evan went to a birthday party on the 19th, and he came home with a a runny nose and a bit of a cold. just like when we came home with evan and dylan was sick, we came home with austin and evan was sick
-austin had to go back for 3 consecutive days to get his heel pricked to check for jaundice. fortunately he didn't have to go back into the hospital, but dr cleary wanted to make sure he was eating enough, so she recommended at night we supplement with formula. He took to the bottle just fine, but i think that threw off my milk production, and i've been trying to catch up ever since
-brian also got sick - probably due to stress, sleep deprivation and weakened immune system.
-there's the overall hormones, and feeling big, puffy, swollen and so fat. not phat, i'm appreciating the joy of bringing a tiny human into this earth, but fat, in the bad, low-self-esteem, self-deprecating way of not wanting to look pregnant, when i'm not pregnant.
-the stress of being a mom of 3 kids, being a mom of 3 boys. so much penis.
-the twinge of sadness that we didn't have a girl, that i won't be buying that cute green romper from mini bodum, and all my beauty/makeup knowledge and future fashionista shopping partner will not really exist. that all my serious jewelry will have to go to my boys' daughters. that a better version of me - won't exist, at least in girl form.
-the countless number of times mom mentioned to me that i should stay home, or work part-time, or that i shouldn't be focused on my career, and that i'm a mom of 3 boys now, so what am I going to do...I finally had to ask her what was the point of saying all of this. to make me feel bad? not going back to work, is not an option for us at this point. brian's practice is still being locked up by planning and i still have 2 years before i'm fully vested and plus, i want a few years under my belt as VP at care to gain the TV and creative experience. In 2 years time, care.com 3.0 hopefully will be launched and i can get a better sense for its future.
-the fear of having postpartum depression, the 20% chance of having thyroid issues because i had gestational diabetes, the concern that i would still have diabetes after birth.
-the weird numbing/tingly sensation i would have after breastfeeding, the almost chills i would have afterwards, the dry skin, the hair loss, and again the swelling - the fatness and the puffiness.
-on the 28th austin and i both had doctor's appointments, and we both did well. i didn't see dr. k - but saw dr. scully, who i entertained with my newborn mold in my hand pump, since she also had a similar experience with her daughter. I did wait for Dr. clearly and ian to confirm that i didn't just accidentally expose austin to deadly mold and cause respiratory issues for the rest of his life... i spent all night researching this and worrying about the repercussions of giving him milk that was exposed to mold. i swear i had sanitized and stored all my pumping supplies after evan...and was so disgusted with myself. i still remember the horror of noticing the mold in the middle of the night, after i had hand-pumped some milk (shortly thereafter i went to rent my medical grade breast pump).
-and then mom's rash. we went to shoup park in los altos. we were sitting on a bench, i was nursing austin and a caterpillars were dropping from the tree above. i can't remember if it fell on my mom's shoulder, but she did punch me in the head - to knock one off of me. after that event - she felt so itchy and afterwards broke into a rash. we were not sure if this was related, but was concerned if this triggered another bought of shingles.


i'm not sure what's worse - freaking out, stressing over things i don't have control over, or sheer apathy.