i think i've mentioned it before, but since my memory is shot, i'll mention it again. going back to work this time feels different than the last. after dylan, i knew i needed my benefits, i knew we were going to try to get pregnant soon, and i knew that i was going to have another "best time of my life" again. with evan, things are a little open.... am i going back to work in perpetuity again, are we going to have another baby? when he outgrows something, it is going away forever? i'm not good with that much finality with my life changes. i feel like with with first baby, you have no idea what you're doing, the second one is more like practice, and the third should be easy....
as far as having our 4th...i need to deeply consider the following:
1) is it because i want to go on maternity leave again?
2) is it because i love babies and once they stop listening to me, i want to have another newborn that won't actively defy me?
3) is it because i still have something to prove with the universe, for taking away musubi?
but i do LOVE babies, my babies...
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