Day 29

I thought I'd share a post from my old blog about my state of mind on day 29, since it's starts with a disclaimer. I feel like this disclaimer (in bold below) is important enough to state again:

Thursday, September 15, 2011

survivor

Note: If anyone reads this, please do not let this deter you from having children. There is no greater miracle than creating life, and I question myself daily if I'm capable of taking care of that responsibility.

dylan is 29 days old today, no longer a newborn by medical definition. i am, however a newborn mother, and it is still strange to me that i refer to myself in third person. "mommy needs to do this...mommy needs to wash her hands...mommy needs a time out." but everything is strange through this zombie haze I've been in since Dylan has been home.

there's so much to say, and not enough waking hours to say it. i haven't written about the actual delivery, dylan becoming jaundice and going to stanford, my first few days home, and my fragile state of mind--then and now. everything seems more difficult now. my physical coordination, my cognitive capabilities, baseline comprehension stunted. i catch myself trying so desperately to multi-task, yet failing miserably. ex. how much can i possibly do, as my food is being microwaved in 2 min: wash dishes, get the mail, mail a package, check my vmail, get water from the garage. I stand in my hallway, frozen, unable to decide on how to make the best use of my time...and then the microwave starts beeping. alas, i didn't do anything during those precious 2 min.

Some days i walk around in a stupor, with the stupid my brest friend (stupid because it doesn't not come with a waterproof cover) around my waist walking around my house in my underwear. Why wear clothes? that would just be doubling the laundry, consider the fact that dylan's poop and pee trajectory knows no bounds. Ok, most days that's the case, and there are times when I manage to get my pants on and brave the outside world with dylan in his stroller, and me being the crazy chinese lady trying to make sure that the swaddle blanket is providing enough shade and paranoid that he's too hot/cold, etc. meanwhile i'm still traumatized that my feet are so much larger than before. I suppose that they are proportional to my gigantor body, but I refuse to believe that my shoe wardrobe is obsolete. I told brian that i would feel better about myself if i weren't so grossly obese. I am the human space character in Wall-E, all rotund with sausage toes. as much as i should write more about everything that has been going on, i'm going to go for a walk now. it's one of the few things i can do before i go to my post partum check up. OCD behavior - here I come!
- posted by Y. @ 4:01 PM