i wish

it's late and I should be asleep but i'm taking it all in again. Staying up, reliving my maternity leave days with my little old man to my left, and my O.G. old man to my right. We have a big day planned for tomorrow, going to the mall again, checking out story time at the menlo park library and having a playdate afterwards in los altos. it's been so long since peanut and I have spent the day together. I miss it soooo much.

Hawaii was amazing, as I ate myself into oblivion, having had the best japanese food ever at sasabune. Nursing+surfing do not mix well, and I completely overestimated my physical stamina out there in the ocean. I'm glad i was able to get some snorkeling in, and I was happily surprised that we were able to do pretty much everything we had wanted to do in Hawaii. Dylan was such good traveler and had no problems on the plane, or sleeping in a different environment. i'm so happy to have more fond memories to think about when i'm utterly frustrated and overwhelmed at work.

i would write about work, but I don't want to go to bed in a foul mood, so i'll save that for another day. i do need to work on dylan's baby book. time is flying by too quickly and i can't believe that he's 6 months old, and that i'm already buying 12-18 month clothes for my mini man. he brings so much joy and light into our lives and it makes so sad when i'm too tired to appreciate it. but there's nothing better than holding him close, inhaling his sweet scent and seeing him smile. everyday i hope that he stays true to himself, that he's happy and that he knows how much he's loved.

2011 to 2012

It's almost time. Dylan is right beside me and I'm typing like it's my last blog entry for awhile. I feel the need the record what's happened over the holidays and how I feel RIGHT now, because I fear that soon enough I won't have as much time to do this in the future. Although I know that I can make time, and prioritize this as a MUST do at least once or twice a month.

Christmas was a big to do and was exhausting again from the holiday set up, flower arrangements, table settings (which Brian's mom did when I was at work), and the cooking from the fong men. It was all worth it to see Dylan's excitement over santa claus. Brian was holding him and he was pitching forward, making his Dylan sounds, so excited at the man in the red suit. I can't believe our SIM card was full and I still tear up when I think about how this moment was not captured on film, but at least I witnessed it with my own eyes. We also didn't get the stairway shot with all the family friends. We got a few, but it wasn't the same without all the families. We face timed with Zach and Juice, who spent the holidays together in London and I like how we spaced out the activities. Christmas eve with the camping group, christmas morning with both sets of grandparents, and then the following day with Belinda's clan. Brian's parents came over too and then we went to the winter wonderland festival with my side of the family. Dylan received a ton of gifts and gifts from santa and musubi (book, and good night moon blanket). It was a very heart warming christmas with everyone who was here. I made the major faux pas with the sentimental books from paper source, but I had no idea how painful mumford's childhood was. That was very regretful on my part. It's just that I've been so sentimental over the holidays.

New Years Eve was very mellow, and we spent evening at the lius and were on the road when the clock stuck midnight. As long as I was with my boys, nothing else really mattered. We visited Conner Tu and went to the iyamas for the traditional new years day get together. They were thrilled to meet Dylan and I'm sure when we left, there were people who wished they had a chance to hold him.

A few lasts. Brian put up the curtains in the guest room, we took the sign language class, we went to the dish yesterday and also went to town and country for brunch with Zach.... i'm still checking off a few things off of my maternity list and trying so hard to see things from the glass is half full perspective. With my new role, I was hoping to negotiate out the gate with 2 days at home, but was not very successful. B said she was open to having that conversation in a few month, and I'll put it on my calendar to talk to her in a few weeks. Yes, I could only work from home 1 day a week, but I really WANT 2 days, and i don't want to compromise my time with dylan. Change doesn't happen over night, but I'm hoping my persistence will pay off.

Dylan is such a joy. I just want to snuggle with him all day.

time

I wish that I could make time stand still. the moments seems to go buy too quickly. before I can truly appreciate them, before I can capture them on film, before I'm ready to let them move on. Christmas has come and gone and it was probably one of the best christmases that I can remember. I must write about it some more, but not tonight.

Here's a strange sentiment. I feel so happy that it's heart-breaking. Heart-breaking because you feel like it's going to end and that you won't ever feel this way again.

Separation Anxiety

I can't believe that I'll be going back to work soon (this week, for 1.5 days). I stay up late so that I can make the days stretch longer. Dylan had his 4 month check up today, and as expected, he just fussed a little bit during his shots and was a perfect patient. He really is such an easy-going and happy baby. I miss him when I go to sleep, and I miss him even when I'm driving and he's in the back seat. I like having him near me at all times... I decided that I will start taking a lot of my vacation days this year. I'll have 6 weeks this year, so I plan on taking 5 weeks and rolling another week over to next year, so that I can take 5 weeks the following year too, although I hope to be pregnant again in 2013. 2 weeks are already bookmarked for Europe, and I will take at least 1 day off a month so that I can have 3 consecutive days with Dylan. I don't want to dwell on the fact that I'll be going back to work soon, because I feel like it will and has dampened my holiday spirit, so I will keep it tucked away in the back of my mind for as long as possible. I figured in January I'll start adjusting my schedule, feeding and putting him down earlier and waking earlier myself in the morning to start the day at a more workish time. I know, all good things must come to an end.

Thanksgiving

So thanksgiving has come and gone and it all happened so fast that I really regret not taking the time to enjoy the holiday and I definitely did NOT take enough pictures. I will not make that mistake this Christmas. Brian had the last minute task of preparing most of the food, so he slaved in the kitchen all day. Meanwhile I was in my pjs ironing napkins half an hour before people were supposed to come over. There were no formal toasts, no old or new traditions established, but at least most of our immediate families were able to make it. It's a little sad that Brian's brothers don't really come back for the holidays. At least they were together, but I do hope that Dylan is able to get to know his uncles better than I know mine. Of all the Thanksgivings I've had, this is one that I truly wanted to experience. I remember last year Brian and I escaped to Napa/Calistoga where we gorged ourselves on michelin star restaurants to numb the pain of our grief. It was a painful year of unimaginable grief and we were so thankful that we had each other, and still so sad and angry that musubi wasn't here on earth with us. I remember thinking to myself that there was no way that I was going to get through the holidays unless I was pregnant, and sure enough...a few days before xmas musubi made our wishes come true.

I still cry around the holidays now, and the pain has evolved into something deeper. Before Dylan, I mourned musubi without ever knowing what joy comes with a newborn. And now that I know what I've missed with musubi, I mourn him even more. I cry even harder on his month birthday and I still can't bring myself to read "little musubi and what he likes" to Dylan. But on every 8th of the month, we read a new book to musubi and "Good Night Moon" and we look at his pictures and I say goodnight and leave after I see the picture of me kissing him on the top of his head. When I look at the pictures now, he seems so lifeless to me...which is stating the obvious, and when I see Dylan full of life and love, I can't help but question why did things happen the way they did for us last year. The contrast is just too real. I decided tonight that we need to create our own family traditions, and one will be that every year we will go to a local bookstore and pick out a book for musubi. Brian's mom had bought us stockings, but I asked her to get another one for musubi. He will always get gifts for Christmas, and when Dylan grows up, he'll pick out a gift for musubi too.

Even if he's not here, he'll always still be with us.

Obscene

So i'm not quite at the male equivalent of wanting a porsche at a certain age, but I did have a "moment" the other weekend when I considered spending an obscene amount of money on a pair or leather leggings. Instead, I spent the equivalent amount at Sephora, trying to preserve my fleeting youth. Seriously, obscene.

The Ass Crack

It's befitting that on my birthday I wanted to reminisce about my days at CPMC and how painful my recovery was. I guess it's so that I can be grateful for my recovery and distract myself from the fact that I'm another year older. So back at CPMC, 24 hours after delivery, every fiber of my being was in pain. My body was sore from delivery, my guess was that world war III took place around all my lady parts, and it took every ounce of energy I had to brace my body up out of bed, to hobble on over to the bathroom to use the facilities...which is just a sad and sorry sight. I guess it's a preview to what I have to look forward to in my senior years.

So there's this cream that they give you on pad, to wipe on your booty to soothe the DISCOMFORT, and it is a dream cream. I asked for more, and they said that they can only give it to me twice a day. WHAT??? Forget the ice packs, hot packs, doughnut pillow, I WANT THAT CREAM. Can they write me a prescription for it? I thought it was nurses being difficult, I mean come on, it's a cream, they're suppose to be in the business of helping patients, no? So I ask the doctor the next morning. Get this, they can't write me a prescription for it, but they can give me a little bit more on the hospital version of tucks pads for later. They can't because the cream is a narcotic with cocaine in it! So, in all my years, I have never done any drugs, a cigarette has never graced my lips, and all I've had is an occasional drink and now I'm like a junkie begging the doctor for more ass crack? Motherhood did change me.