Thanksgiving

So thanksgiving has come and gone and it all happened so fast that I really regret not taking the time to enjoy the holiday and I definitely did NOT take enough pictures. I will not make that mistake this Christmas. Brian had the last minute task of preparing most of the food, so he slaved in the kitchen all day. Meanwhile I was in my pjs ironing napkins half an hour before people were supposed to come over. There were no formal toasts, no old or new traditions established, but at least most of our immediate families were able to make it. It's a little sad that Brian's brothers don't really come back for the holidays. At least they were together, but I do hope that Dylan is able to get to know his uncles better than I know mine. Of all the Thanksgivings I've had, this is one that I truly wanted to experience. I remember last year Brian and I escaped to Napa/Calistoga where we gorged ourselves on michelin star restaurants to numb the pain of our grief. It was a painful year of unimaginable grief and we were so thankful that we had each other, and still so sad and angry that musubi wasn't here on earth with us. I remember thinking to myself that there was no way that I was going to get through the holidays unless I was pregnant, and sure enough...a few days before xmas musubi made our wishes come true.

I still cry around the holidays now, and the pain has evolved into something deeper. Before Dylan, I mourned musubi without ever knowing what joy comes with a newborn. And now that I know what I've missed with musubi, I mourn him even more. I cry even harder on his month birthday and I still can't bring myself to read "little musubi and what he likes" to Dylan. But on every 8th of the month, we read a new book to musubi and "Good Night Moon" and we look at his pictures and I say goodnight and leave after I see the picture of me kissing him on the top of his head. When I look at the pictures now, he seems so lifeless to me...which is stating the obvious, and when I see Dylan full of life and love, I can't help but question why did things happen the way they did for us last year. The contrast is just too real. I decided tonight that we need to create our own family traditions, and one will be that every year we will go to a local bookstore and pick out a book for musubi. Brian's mom had bought us stockings, but I asked her to get another one for musubi. He will always get gifts for Christmas, and when Dylan grows up, he'll pick out a gift for musubi too.

Even if he's not here, he'll always still be with us.