but there has to be some good, right?
-we were able to make an appt with dr. connie ho for monday and the lab results confirmed that it was not shingles
-i was able to be out and about, and be more mobile, more so than any of my other pregnancies
-i surprised myself that noel and i went to the sweaty betty grand opening event on april 25th (even though i had to go back later in the day to correct and overage on my receipt (but i bought something else too))
-mom cooked like crazy - and everyone enjoyed the fruits of my mom's hard labor in the kitchen
-the fish soup and the organ meat was kept to a minimal amount
-austin did not have to go back to the hospital - and was eating like a champ (he really only fusses when he's hungry). not sure if i was enabling him by squeezing my boobs, because my nursing sessions are super long. and it's really taken about 4 weeks for my nipples to become immune to the burning, searing pain associated with nursing, and i feel like only after 6 weeks has he been able to have shorter more efficient nursing sessions.
-i'm trying to pump a few times a week, but was able to wean him off formula after a few days before his 2 week appt. austin doubled his weight % to almost 20% for his 1 month check up, weighing in at 8 lbs 11oz.
-been able to have some key outings (besides the sweaty betty sale): noel's bday dinner, tutu's bday dinner, sunday mother's day brunch with belin (mom had already left), noel's surprise birthday dinner, uncle hiroji's bday lunch...lots of dining events.
-on a more subtle note, was able to go to dylan's piano recital on may 6th, have been able to walk dylan home from school at least once a week, and have been able to attend some soccer and tennis lessons which has been great.
-i'm also giving myself a lot of props for being able to volunteer on monday for dylan's class to stuff envelopes and help out at the lab, and also attended his field trip to cal academy in the city, before my appt with dr k
i miss having some dedicated time with evan. i've been able to bao-bao sheui-jiao twice...which is hard to do with austin in the docatot and our nursing schedule. will need to work on that.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
the first few weeks
this was hard.
i'm trying to distill what was behind the "hard." there were a couple of things that stood out.
-evan went to a birthday party on the 19th, and he came home with a a runny nose and a bit of a cold. just like when we came home with evan and dylan was sick, we came home with austin and evan was sick
-austin had to go back for 3 consecutive days to get his heel pricked to check for jaundice. fortunately he didn't have to go back into the hospital, but dr cleary wanted to make sure he was eating enough, so she recommended at night we supplement with formula. He took to the bottle just fine, but i think that threw off my milk production, and i've been trying to catch up ever since
-brian also got sick - probably due to stress, sleep deprivation and weakened immune system.
-there's the overall hormones, and feeling big, puffy, swollen and so fat. not phat, i'm appreciating the joy of bringing a tiny human into this earth, but fat, in the bad, low-self-esteem, self-deprecating way of not wanting to look pregnant, when i'm not pregnant.
-the stress of being a mom of 3 kids, being a mom of 3 boys. so much penis.
-the twinge of sadness that we didn't have a girl, that i won't be buying that cute green romper from mini bodum, and all my beauty/makeup knowledge and future fashionista shopping partner will not really exist. that all my serious jewelry will have to go to my boys' daughters. that a better version of me - won't exist, at least in girl form.
-the countless number of times mom mentioned to me that i should stay home, or work part-time, or that i shouldn't be focused on my career, and that i'm a mom of 3 boys now, so what am I going to do...I finally had to ask her what was the point of saying all of this. to make me feel bad? not going back to work, is not an option for us at this point. brian's practice is still being locked up by planning and i still have 2 years before i'm fully vested and plus, i want a few years under my belt as VP at care to gain the TV and creative experience. In 2 years time, care.com 3.0 hopefully will be launched and i can get a better sense for its future.
-the fear of having postpartum depression, the 20% chance of having thyroid issues because i had gestational diabetes, the concern that i would still have diabetes after birth.
-the weird numbing/tingly sensation i would have after breastfeeding, the almost chills i would have afterwards, the dry skin, the hair loss, and again the swelling - the fatness and the puffiness.
-on the 28th austin and i both had doctor's appointments, and we both did well. i didn't see dr. k - but saw dr. scully, who i entertained with my newborn mold in my hand pump, since she also had a similar experience with her daughter. I did wait for Dr. clearly and ian to confirm that i didn't just accidentally expose austin to deadly mold and cause respiratory issues for the rest of his life... i spent all night researching this and worrying about the repercussions of giving him milk that was exposed to mold. i swear i had sanitized and stored all my pumping supplies after evan...and was so disgusted with myself. i still remember the horror of noticing the mold in the middle of the night, after i had hand-pumped some milk (shortly thereafter i went to rent my medical grade breast pump).
-and then mom's rash. we went to shoup park in los altos. we were sitting on a bench, i was nursing austin and a caterpillars were dropping from the tree above. i can't remember if it fell on my mom's shoulder, but she did punch me in the head - to knock one off of me. after that event - she felt so itchy and afterwards broke into a rash. we were not sure if this was related, but was concerned if this triggered another bought of shingles.
i'm not sure what's worse - freaking out, stressing over things i don't have control over, or sheer apathy.
i'm trying to distill what was behind the "hard." there were a couple of things that stood out.
-evan went to a birthday party on the 19th, and he came home with a a runny nose and a bit of a cold. just like when we came home with evan and dylan was sick, we came home with austin and evan was sick
-austin had to go back for 3 consecutive days to get his heel pricked to check for jaundice. fortunately he didn't have to go back into the hospital, but dr cleary wanted to make sure he was eating enough, so she recommended at night we supplement with formula. He took to the bottle just fine, but i think that threw off my milk production, and i've been trying to catch up ever since
-brian also got sick - probably due to stress, sleep deprivation and weakened immune system.
-there's the overall hormones, and feeling big, puffy, swollen and so fat. not phat, i'm appreciating the joy of bringing a tiny human into this earth, but fat, in the bad, low-self-esteem, self-deprecating way of not wanting to look pregnant, when i'm not pregnant.
-the stress of being a mom of 3 kids, being a mom of 3 boys. so much penis.
-the twinge of sadness that we didn't have a girl, that i won't be buying that cute green romper from mini bodum, and all my beauty/makeup knowledge and future fashionista shopping partner will not really exist. that all my serious jewelry will have to go to my boys' daughters. that a better version of me - won't exist, at least in girl form.
-the countless number of times mom mentioned to me that i should stay home, or work part-time, or that i shouldn't be focused on my career, and that i'm a mom of 3 boys now, so what am I going to do...I finally had to ask her what was the point of saying all of this. to make me feel bad? not going back to work, is not an option for us at this point. brian's practice is still being locked up by planning and i still have 2 years before i'm fully vested and plus, i want a few years under my belt as VP at care to gain the TV and creative experience. In 2 years time, care.com 3.0 hopefully will be launched and i can get a better sense for its future.
-the fear of having postpartum depression, the 20% chance of having thyroid issues because i had gestational diabetes, the concern that i would still have diabetes after birth.
-the weird numbing/tingly sensation i would have after breastfeeding, the almost chills i would have afterwards, the dry skin, the hair loss, and again the swelling - the fatness and the puffiness.
-on the 28th austin and i both had doctor's appointments, and we both did well. i didn't see dr. k - but saw dr. scully, who i entertained with my newborn mold in my hand pump, since she also had a similar experience with her daughter. I did wait for Dr. clearly and ian to confirm that i didn't just accidentally expose austin to deadly mold and cause respiratory issues for the rest of his life... i spent all night researching this and worrying about the repercussions of giving him milk that was exposed to mold. i swear i had sanitized and stored all my pumping supplies after evan...and was so disgusted with myself. i still remember the horror of noticing the mold in the middle of the night, after i had hand-pumped some milk (shortly thereafter i went to rent my medical grade breast pump).
-and then mom's rash. we went to shoup park in los altos. we were sitting on a bench, i was nursing austin and a caterpillars were dropping from the tree above. i can't remember if it fell on my mom's shoulder, but she did punch me in the head - to knock one off of me. after that event - she felt so itchy and afterwards broke into a rash. we were not sure if this was related, but was concerned if this triggered another bought of shingles.
i'm not sure what's worse - freaking out, stressing over things i don't have control over, or sheer apathy.
still at the hospital
perhaps hospitals were the first, or at least an early adopter of the smiley to unhappy emoji. I never reached over the point of 4 ore really unhappy smiley face on the pain chart throughout my stay at the hospital. Perhaps my fear of the constipation related to the narco is that short for narcotics?), but for the most part, i was on ibuprofen for my recovery. my bleeding wasn't that remarkable, as much as the thought and the insertion of the catheter still grosses me out, it was a relief to not have to get and pee. In true CPMC and c-section recovery fashion - they wanted me to get up and walk within 24 hours. It wasn't bad - i was able to shuffle around and do a lap around the floor.
i think the first night is really driven off of the adrenaline of having a newborn baby. austin (who wasn't named yet) was very mild mannered, unlike the baby next door/across the hall who was wailing all the time. we weren't sure if they had twins or not, because it didn't seem possible that 1 baby could cry that much, for so long. those poor parents...i would be concerned that there was something physically wrong with the baby. the father was like a zombie - walking through the halls, pushing the cart with the crying baby in it. brian saw him passed out in one of the open rooms on the floor.
besides that shrieking baby, it was relatively quiet and peaceful. not a lot of action that easter weekend. yeh-yeh and tutu brought the boys friday afternoon to see the baby. they were happy with their star wars candy and their pokeman exploding ball toys from baby. the boys, especially dylan were very sweet with the baby. zach and hendrick came by as well. mom and dad were driving up saturday.
it was definitely a party on saturday, with the fong, bartos, and the young clans all in my recovery room. it was supposedly the best/largest room on the floor - with another real hospital bed for brian and room for all my guests. dr k mentioned that his son's wife recovered in this room. baby didn't mind being passed around and held by all his relatives, and really only fussed when hungry.
we did send him to the nursery at night, and they brought him in to nurse and to give me my meds. brian also ran out to pick up the push/c-section gift - a beautiful, emerald diamond estate ring from Langs. this ring looks as if my engagement ring and evan's ring got together and had a ring baby - this would be it.
on easter sunday, one of the nurses knitted austin a cap with bunny ears - it was so sweet. the boys came over in the morning, so that we could do our photoshoot, which is a new service that cpmc was offering. the boys were sweet,and austin was wrapped in his fancy new burberry blanket - which he subsequently peed on, and has gone through 2 dry-cleaning cycles (and the stains still are not out yet). i'm still annoyed that i didn't get the newborn hands and feet photos...but i need to live in the present and not live with the burden of regret... the boys came by later in the afternoon and we did a little easter egg hunt in our room. mom and dad also came up again, and the boys went home with them, since they had their normal school routine, as did brian on monday. We had our steak dinner on sunday night, which was pretty good, and i took a few laps around the hospital. pain management was fine...i just didn't poop yet.
i don't know how many prune juices, coffee, milk of magnesia i had at the hospital - but still no poop. they wanted to give me a suppository - but i still chickened out. it was strange to be alone in the hospital, with the baby - and no family around. it was lonely. it seemed like a lot of responsibility to be the one to confirm the name and confirm all of our information for the official documentation. Dr. k was the closed thing to family that came to visit me monday morning. austin's circumcision was done, my tdap shots were given, his hearing tests were fine, he had stopped losing weight, and he was still a little jaundice, but ok to go home. i had to switch rooms in the afternoon, which was kind of nuisance, making sure that i had packed everything up and move to a different floor. i was only there for about 2 hours...but it was very cramped, not that i needed much room to lie there and use the restroom. we left around 7:30pm...to start life with the newest member of our family! still no poop.
i think the first night is really driven off of the adrenaline of having a newborn baby. austin (who wasn't named yet) was very mild mannered, unlike the baby next door/across the hall who was wailing all the time. we weren't sure if they had twins or not, because it didn't seem possible that 1 baby could cry that much, for so long. those poor parents...i would be concerned that there was something physically wrong with the baby. the father was like a zombie - walking through the halls, pushing the cart with the crying baby in it. brian saw him passed out in one of the open rooms on the floor.
besides that shrieking baby, it was relatively quiet and peaceful. not a lot of action that easter weekend. yeh-yeh and tutu brought the boys friday afternoon to see the baby. they were happy with their star wars candy and their pokeman exploding ball toys from baby. the boys, especially dylan were very sweet with the baby. zach and hendrick came by as well. mom and dad were driving up saturday.
it was definitely a party on saturday, with the fong, bartos, and the young clans all in my recovery room. it was supposedly the best/largest room on the floor - with another real hospital bed for brian and room for all my guests. dr k mentioned that his son's wife recovered in this room. baby didn't mind being passed around and held by all his relatives, and really only fussed when hungry.
we did send him to the nursery at night, and they brought him in to nurse and to give me my meds. brian also ran out to pick up the push/c-section gift - a beautiful, emerald diamond estate ring from Langs. this ring looks as if my engagement ring and evan's ring got together and had a ring baby - this would be it.
on easter sunday, one of the nurses knitted austin a cap with bunny ears - it was so sweet. the boys came over in the morning, so that we could do our photoshoot, which is a new service that cpmc was offering. the boys were sweet,and austin was wrapped in his fancy new burberry blanket - which he subsequently peed on, and has gone through 2 dry-cleaning cycles (and the stains still are not out yet). i'm still annoyed that i didn't get the newborn hands and feet photos...but i need to live in the present and not live with the burden of regret... the boys came by later in the afternoon and we did a little easter egg hunt in our room. mom and dad also came up again, and the boys went home with them, since they had their normal school routine, as did brian on monday. We had our steak dinner on sunday night, which was pretty good, and i took a few laps around the hospital. pain management was fine...i just didn't poop yet.
i don't know how many prune juices, coffee, milk of magnesia i had at the hospital - but still no poop. they wanted to give me a suppository - but i still chickened out. it was strange to be alone in the hospital, with the baby - and no family around. it was lonely. it seemed like a lot of responsibility to be the one to confirm the name and confirm all of our information for the official documentation. Dr. k was the closed thing to family that came to visit me monday morning. austin's circumcision was done, my tdap shots were given, his hearing tests were fine, he had stopped losing weight, and he was still a little jaundice, but ok to go home. i had to switch rooms in the afternoon, which was kind of nuisance, making sure that i had packed everything up and move to a different floor. i was only there for about 2 hours...but it was very cramped, not that i needed much room to lie there and use the restroom. we left around 7:30pm...to start life with the newest member of our family! still no poop.
just have to start
tomorrow is my 6 weeks postpartum appointment. how and when did that happen? i printed out the best cerclage picture from belinda, dylan made a thank you card that says "thank you for baby" with a cut out heart and a picture of a baby that he drew. on the back of the card was a poem i wrote this past week:
Stitch
A stitch is a bond.
Innocuous and plain.
Joining the impossible with the possible.
Defying nature and her vein.
A stitch to give us hope,
To string a family together.
To make us whole, even when
One lives in our hearts forever.
A stitch that gives us love,
Bursting at its seams.
Contracting reality,
With what was once just a dream.
A stitch by any other name,
Would not be the same.
Because when his stitch ends,
Is the moment when life begins...
i guess because the firs few weeks of newborn haze was really a haze, in which the days and nights all blended together and time was marked by when austin wanted to nurse and my throbbing nipples. So I would probably start with the delivery day and my stay at chez CPMC
April 14th
With my c-section scheduled for 12:15 - we had time to drop the boys off in foster city and take a few photos. belinda was going to meet us at the hospital at 11:30. it was a bit unnerving, this time somewhat knowing what to expect, still not knowing the gender of the baby, and not knowing how difficult the recovery would be. i wore my new musubi, cherry-blossom scarf and off we went to the hospital. once again, i was nervous about the IV and the nurse was able to get the needle in, but something had popped off and i felt this big gush of warmth (BLOOD) over my left hand. of course my eyes were closed, and belinda and brian told me to keep my eyes shut, which did not help with my anxiety, but they had to change the pad, wipe the floors, since almost a pint of blood squirted out from the puncture. this was NOT the way i wanted to start my day.
we had belinda join us this time. i did want her to capture the exact moment when the baby was out, and when brian could see the gender. i wanted to see the look of shock, awe and love captured in the photograph, since i wasn't quite able to see much from my vantage point. just like i had remembered, i hated getting the spinal. there's something so terrifying about something paralyzing you from neck down, and the small margin of error that makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable. i could NEVER be an anesthesiologist. and this time i was so antsy, and skittish - with my head constantly rotating to the left and right. there were not many options for me to release my anxiety. there's definitely that "get me outta here" sense when you're on the table so vulnerable, cut open and exposed.
i'm not sure exactly how i felt when i was told that it was a boy. i'm not sure who even said it first - i believe it was brian. your first instinct is if the baby is ok, was he/she healthy - is the baby crying. although i had always thought i would have a girl, there was a part of me that most likely thought that the baby would be a boy. so i don't i was super surprised at the outcome, although I carried so differently this time. brian said that i was less wide, the line down my belly was very faint - and clearly the gestational diabetes was also a new nuance as well. Well, c'est la vie. i had another beautiful fong boy.
he was so small, had near perfect, if not perfect apgar score and brian went with him to the nursery and belinda stayed with me. that's when it got real. the procedure this time took so much longer, with dr katz removing the cerclage, taking time for some photo ops with his work (belinda was brave enough to take pictures), and also removing the keloid and closing me up differently than with evan. again, the feeling of "get me outta here" was the pervasive feeling. they wheeled me into recovery and then brought the baby over (still nameless at this point, the reality of having another boy was still sinking in (it is still sinking in). it's amazing how you put a newborn on your chest and how by instinct it just moves over to your nipple for milk. speaking of which - it's time for me to be a cow now. T.B.C.
Stitch
A stitch is a bond.
Innocuous and plain.
Joining the impossible with the possible.
Defying nature and her vein.
A stitch to give us hope,
To string a family together.
To make us whole, even when
One lives in our hearts forever.
A stitch that gives us love,
Bursting at its seams.
Contracting reality,
With what was once just a dream.
A stitch by any other name,
Would not be the same.
Because when his stitch ends,
Is the moment when life begins...
i guess because the firs few weeks of newborn haze was really a haze, in which the days and nights all blended together and time was marked by when austin wanted to nurse and my throbbing nipples. So I would probably start with the delivery day and my stay at chez CPMC
April 14th
With my c-section scheduled for 12:15 - we had time to drop the boys off in foster city and take a few photos. belinda was going to meet us at the hospital at 11:30. it was a bit unnerving, this time somewhat knowing what to expect, still not knowing the gender of the baby, and not knowing how difficult the recovery would be. i wore my new musubi, cherry-blossom scarf and off we went to the hospital. once again, i was nervous about the IV and the nurse was able to get the needle in, but something had popped off and i felt this big gush of warmth (BLOOD) over my left hand. of course my eyes were closed, and belinda and brian told me to keep my eyes shut, which did not help with my anxiety, but they had to change the pad, wipe the floors, since almost a pint of blood squirted out from the puncture. this was NOT the way i wanted to start my day.
we had belinda join us this time. i did want her to capture the exact moment when the baby was out, and when brian could see the gender. i wanted to see the look of shock, awe and love captured in the photograph, since i wasn't quite able to see much from my vantage point. just like i had remembered, i hated getting the spinal. there's something so terrifying about something paralyzing you from neck down, and the small margin of error that makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable. i could NEVER be an anesthesiologist. and this time i was so antsy, and skittish - with my head constantly rotating to the left and right. there were not many options for me to release my anxiety. there's definitely that "get me outta here" sense when you're on the table so vulnerable, cut open and exposed.
i'm not sure exactly how i felt when i was told that it was a boy. i'm not sure who even said it first - i believe it was brian. your first instinct is if the baby is ok, was he/she healthy - is the baby crying. although i had always thought i would have a girl, there was a part of me that most likely thought that the baby would be a boy. so i don't i was super surprised at the outcome, although I carried so differently this time. brian said that i was less wide, the line down my belly was very faint - and clearly the gestational diabetes was also a new nuance as well. Well, c'est la vie. i had another beautiful fong boy.
he was so small, had near perfect, if not perfect apgar score and brian went with him to the nursery and belinda stayed with me. that's when it got real. the procedure this time took so much longer, with dr katz removing the cerclage, taking time for some photo ops with his work (belinda was brave enough to take pictures), and also removing the keloid and closing me up differently than with evan. again, the feeling of "get me outta here" was the pervasive feeling. they wheeled me into recovery and then brought the baby over (still nameless at this point, the reality of having another boy was still sinking in (it is still sinking in). it's amazing how you put a newborn on your chest and how by instinct it just moves over to your nipple for milk. speaking of which - it's time for me to be a cow now. T.B.C.
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