bittersweet

another xmas has zoomed by and as i get older, i've become more grossly sentimental. i sent an email to dr. k last night, wishing him season's greeting and sharing with him that once again, i turned into emotional mush in the car ride home from belinda. as i watch the boys grow up, i can't help but think that i was cheated out the experience of watching musubi grow up. at least that journey led me to dr k, and to 2 healthy boys.

dylan
he has so much spirit, and enthusiasm. i love that he dances until he falls down, that he dragged puo-poo to the middle of the dance floor at downtown disney. i love that the musical together teacher praised him on his rhythm and pitch. i still stare at him with wonder and awe that "I made that" or more accurately that Brian and I made that. i love that he's almost potty trained, and gives us the espn play by play of what's going on. "annuger one, big one, BIG one!" when it comes to his man-size poops. about a month ago, i was blowing on evan's face to wake him up to finish his feed and dylan was watching me. he said it was "tang tang". of course my boob is hot, that's why i'm blowing on it.

Evan
our little "snuggle-bum" is growing as fast as lightening mcqueen. he's over 16 lbs, is wearing 6-9 months clothes and just wants to snuggle all day. his nickmames have been: "dimples, mr. dimps, double Ds" but lately he's been "snuggle bum, snuggle bumps (variation from Brian) and mumford has been calling him "chubba bubba". he's a professional snuzzler, giggler. he has pretty sensitive skin, with a rash that fades in and out on his face and mean crusty case of cradle cap, but i still think he's so cute. his big eyes, his big cheeks, and all the folds, all over the place! it's hard to put him down. he's heaven in my arms and i can't stand it that he's growing up so quickly. last night he soiled his my first xmas santa outfit, and i swear i was microns away from tearing up thinking that this might be the last time i wash the poop from this outfit. could it be? will there be another fong wearing this outfit in our future?

annuger one?
i'm the first one to wave my hand with reckless abandon to say that i LOVE babies. the way they smell, they way they coo, the way their eye crinkle when they laugh and smile (Evan's eyes turn into little moon-shapes). and I admit the responsibility of having children is enormous, of which i am still learning how to adapt and cope with the responsibility of 2 boys. it's a wonder since i'm barely responsible for myself. but i can't help but feel depressed when i start packing away evan's clothes, thinking that this it it.... i can't help but feel even more depressed at the notion of going back to work...in perpetuity? I love being off during the holidays. i was so sad coming home last night thinking that this might be the last time that i really get to enjoy the holidays. maybe i won't be retail anymore, which will be refreshing, at least in the near term, it's in my destiny and that part makes me incredibly depressed.

am i the same?
motherhood clearly changes you. i ran into bridget when i was in the office last week and she told me that she gave marybeth and earful about me. i wonder how much of what she said about me still holds true. like i told brian yesterday on our way back from belin's, am i wired to just have a job, and not have a career? i don't think i could switch gears like that at sephora, since i don't want to tarnish my reputation, but so much is uncertain. already i feel like i haven't made up from the lost time this year with dylan, working so much for kendo...and that's what i MUST do. starting now.