time

I wish that I could make time stand still. the moments seems to go buy too quickly. before I can truly appreciate them, before I can capture them on film, before I'm ready to let them move on. Christmas has come and gone and it was probably one of the best christmases that I can remember. I must write about it some more, but not tonight.

Here's a strange sentiment. I feel so happy that it's heart-breaking. Heart-breaking because you feel like it's going to end and that you won't ever feel this way again.

Separation Anxiety

I can't believe that I'll be going back to work soon (this week, for 1.5 days). I stay up late so that I can make the days stretch longer. Dylan had his 4 month check up today, and as expected, he just fussed a little bit during his shots and was a perfect patient. He really is such an easy-going and happy baby. I miss him when I go to sleep, and I miss him even when I'm driving and he's in the back seat. I like having him near me at all times... I decided that I will start taking a lot of my vacation days this year. I'll have 6 weeks this year, so I plan on taking 5 weeks and rolling another week over to next year, so that I can take 5 weeks the following year too, although I hope to be pregnant again in 2013. 2 weeks are already bookmarked for Europe, and I will take at least 1 day off a month so that I can have 3 consecutive days with Dylan. I don't want to dwell on the fact that I'll be going back to work soon, because I feel like it will and has dampened my holiday spirit, so I will keep it tucked away in the back of my mind for as long as possible. I figured in January I'll start adjusting my schedule, feeding and putting him down earlier and waking earlier myself in the morning to start the day at a more workish time. I know, all good things must come to an end.

Thanksgiving

So thanksgiving has come and gone and it all happened so fast that I really regret not taking the time to enjoy the holiday and I definitely did NOT take enough pictures. I will not make that mistake this Christmas. Brian had the last minute task of preparing most of the food, so he slaved in the kitchen all day. Meanwhile I was in my pjs ironing napkins half an hour before people were supposed to come over. There were no formal toasts, no old or new traditions established, but at least most of our immediate families were able to make it. It's a little sad that Brian's brothers don't really come back for the holidays. At least they were together, but I do hope that Dylan is able to get to know his uncles better than I know mine. Of all the Thanksgivings I've had, this is one that I truly wanted to experience. I remember last year Brian and I escaped to Napa/Calistoga where we gorged ourselves on michelin star restaurants to numb the pain of our grief. It was a painful year of unimaginable grief and we were so thankful that we had each other, and still so sad and angry that musubi wasn't here on earth with us. I remember thinking to myself that there was no way that I was going to get through the holidays unless I was pregnant, and sure enough...a few days before xmas musubi made our wishes come true.

I still cry around the holidays now, and the pain has evolved into something deeper. Before Dylan, I mourned musubi without ever knowing what joy comes with a newborn. And now that I know what I've missed with musubi, I mourn him even more. I cry even harder on his month birthday and I still can't bring myself to read "little musubi and what he likes" to Dylan. But on every 8th of the month, we read a new book to musubi and "Good Night Moon" and we look at his pictures and I say goodnight and leave after I see the picture of me kissing him on the top of his head. When I look at the pictures now, he seems so lifeless to me...which is stating the obvious, and when I see Dylan full of life and love, I can't help but question why did things happen the way they did for us last year. The contrast is just too real. I decided tonight that we need to create our own family traditions, and one will be that every year we will go to a local bookstore and pick out a book for musubi. Brian's mom had bought us stockings, but I asked her to get another one for musubi. He will always get gifts for Christmas, and when Dylan grows up, he'll pick out a gift for musubi too.

Even if he's not here, he'll always still be with us.