well i knew that it was going to come, sooner rather than later. not sure how i feel about it. neutral at best is a little sad. but at this point, am i not beyond doing things or feelings things because "i should". seems more pragmatic and less stressful to just be. and accept that.
but i don't want to disappoint dylan. he's so excited for my birthday tomorrow. today he kept on wanting me to guess what my birthday gift is going to be. i knew that he would try to tell me in all his excitement, so i told him that i'll wait until my real birthday to guess.
Evan is passed out...still hasn't quite adjusted to the time difference from spain, like little austin - who has also been napping for the last 5 years.
Spain however was a wonderful family trip. I'll save the details for another post, but as for a birthday gift/trip - those memories will stay with me forever. and i'm all about experiences these days (altho a little sparkle never hurt anybody). it started out super stressful, with all the traffic heading the airport, and me leaving 15 min later than ideal because of my 5 hour hair processing appointment...but i suppose that this is one of my new resolutions is to be more time sensitive. I want to stress less, but also be better about time. This suggests that I'm more efficient, or at least more realistic and I suppose less optimistic about time. but then this conflicts with my other resolution about being more optimistic in this new decade. I absolutely want to be and express more gratitude. life really is too short. i have a wonderful family. everyone is still healthy. i am so lucky to have amazing in-laws, brian and all my boys. i've reached the VP level, at a company that is 2.3 miles from my house, doing meaningful work for a mission based company, friends that i can rely on and call/catch up with at anytime with no love lost if we don't connect very often, and of course a warped body image issue which is still a work in progress, but at least i'm not in denial about it. i used to think that by 40 i would be in the best shape of my life. i did not anticipate that i would be worried about my milk supply and my ability to detect weather changes via my c-section scar. i still an not accepting of my muffin top for the long-term, but hopefully more forgiving for my shape as i can only try my best, and hope that it's good enough for me. isn't that a bizarre statement to make? yet it somehow sums up the conflict of having high expectations and being happy.
i did like mom and dad's message in the flower bouquet they sent. I'm really only increasing my value over time. If i had birthday wishes, i would wish for health and happiness for my family and me. pretty simple.
again, i can only try my best, and hope that it's good enough for me. happy birthday to me.
